Killing Me Softly

There’s a song that Kelly Clarkson sings on the Love Actually soundtrack (that’s also in her album) that I adore because I think everything about it is so true. See for youself:

The Trouble With Love Is…

Love can be a many splendor thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
Swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin’
And I keep on fallin’
Over and over again
Yes that story always ends the same
Me, standin’ in the pourin’ rain
Seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

Again, I am no expert when it comes to relationships seeing as to how I’ve never been in one (falling-in-love type of unions anyhow). But the few times I “experienced” romantic feelings, they’ve ended up emotionally disastrous…for ME. Maybe because I bottled up the emotions, fearing the worst should the boy find out how I felt. I've also tried revealing such feelings since hiding it didn't help the last time. I took one of Iya's favorite quotes to heart in forming this decision. It goes, "What's worse, saying something and wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had?" So I said something, but of course the end result sucked as badly as the one before when I kept my mouth shut. One of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of things, that love. And then another time, I actually thought I had CONTROL over my feelings, that I could contain them if I so chose to (I'm a control freak). But of course, I couldn't contain the feelings effectively and I imploded every once in a while because there was no other outlet for the grief. Eventually the feelings wore itself out, but it took a long while.

Unrequitted love is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt (and I've felt it more than once). I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's a lingering, entrapping feeling. You own this strong emotion for someone (not that you wouldn't gladly give it away). Should you tell them? Would they reject you? Maybe. Could they return the feeling? Who knows. Are you afraid that you'll get the crappy end of the deal? Definitely. When all is said and done (or in most of my cases, nothing said and nothing done), you're still left with this longing that you can't get rid of and this is what seems to hurt you the most. And then the most horrifying thought sets in: How long is this terrible feeling gonna last? They say the love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned. As a successful alumnus of this experience, I say, AMEN to that!