Wednesday, March 29, 2006
a false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness
Synonyms include, but are not limited to: misconception, apparition, fantasy, figment, fool's paradise, hallucination…
DELUSION – WHAT A GREAT WORD! I’m working on something right now and I needed to draw another bucket from my “well.” What better way to “dig up old shit” than to read through old journal entries. Fine, diaries, whatever.
Anyway, I find it all so amusing…NOW of course. Back then, moments of “heartbreak” felt like the end of the fair world as I knew it. Heaven forbid I should spare myself one instance where I didn’t blab my “secret” to twenty of my “closest” friends and then cry in complete humiliation when it all goes to Hades, even and especially when the reason behind such agony probably never had a clue. At least in the real world they didn’t have a clue.
In MY world, they knew every bit of how I was feeling but didn’t care or took advantage of it to score some goodness out of me. Wow, how paranoid can one be! When you have these “romantic” feelings for someone, you’ll believe just about anything you want to believe. You’ll see what you want to see. You’ll hear what you want to hear. And you’ll do what you THINK is the “right thing to do” when it’s really just your delusional subconscious telling you it’s okay to act like a fool – a fool for the “love” that you think you feel, that you think you see, that you think you’re going to get if you continue on this charade of the infatuated martyr.
I learned that attempted martyrdom doesn’t get you the guy or the girl. Playing hero or heroine to someone else’s damaged ego will in fact NOT make them fall in love with you. Instead it will, in almost every instance, only help them realize what a valuable FRIEND you are (which is fine if you had no ulterior motives) and there perpetuates the tragic cycle you knew you were in the middle of but didn’t care to step away from.
Frankly, I’m done with this ride and the 3D glasses are coming off. When you wear them, the world is enhanced, clear as day and it all looks like things are coming your way. When you take them off you realize everything is actually rather, well, blurry and convoluted.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
You guys must be so sick of me whining about my commute, but I can’t help talking about it since it takes up at least 12 hours of my life every week. Today though, takes the proverbial pastry - icing, sugar flowers and all. 2 hours and 30 minutes! Except for a 10-minute stop off Calabasas Road cuz I really had to take a whiz, I drove between 0.5-50 mph.
The road absolutely terrifies me when it’s raining. When I left Thousand Oaks, I entered the 101 with great caution. I had my headlights on at 4:00 pm because I couldn’t see through all the fog. It wasn’t really fog, however, though, being in the mountains on such a gloomy day, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. No, the pseudo-smoke was created by something else. It was raining so hard that the road was practically a big puddle and vehicles of all sizes were driving at less than safe speeds, their wheels spinning through the layer of rain on the ground and spewing it from all sides so much that it looked like each car floated on it’s very on cloud. The micro-speckles of rain were stagnant all through the hills, which formed a kinetic fog so thick that the clearest view I had was of my dashboard, and the only thing I feared was hydroplaning across the center divider to face oncoming traffic.
Luckily we came to a halt some time around Calabasas,(which, I actually didn’t mind cuz I got to take some pictures with my handy dandy camera phone). I’d rather be driving at 5 mph in the rain than 50. I was surprisingly calm during the car ride, not cursing anyone on the road, not feeling annoyed or fatigued. I think I was just concentrating so hard on not sliding across the freeway that I didn’t have the energy, nor the time, to be roadraging everyone. I’m just happy I made it home safely.
Be careful out there everyone!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Some say that getting sick is your body’s way of telling you to slow down and relax. Apparently my body’s been trying to get my attention for the last few weeks but I’ve been too busy to listen. Hence…
Last week was the worst week of driving for me. Except for Monday’s relatively effortless commute, everyday thereafter was pretty annoying. Thursday was the worst of all. Apart from the 2 hours it took to get home, I was feeling achey (a sign of sickness to come), I could hardly keep my eyes open (dangerous), I couldn’t figure out if I was hot or cold so I kept turning the vent on and off and, because I hadn’t charged my nano the night before, I didn’t know whether to listen to the radio or put in a cd and I was just plain restless. I got home at 5:55 pm (I left Thousand Oaks at 4:05 pm) and attacked the couch. I couldn’t even make it upstairs to my bed. I missed out on some fine dining at Cinch, and (this is how delirious I was) I FREAKIN’ MISSED ER! Thank goodness for DVR!
So I fell asleep by 10 pm (a rarity), woke up for 10 minutes at 1:30 to wash my face and brush my teeth, and woke up at 5:30 am, still feeling kinda blech, but better-rested, which was good because Friday was SUCH A BUSY DAY! The drive home, again, sucked, and of course the drive to the Block that evening sucked even more. But after a late evening on Friday night with my cousins, and then an all-day family gathering on Saturday afternoon, my body said, “Anna, if you don’t shut up and lie down I’ll push you down the stairs so you’ll break your leg and have sit life out for a few weeks!” Last night I just felt YUCK. You know when your skin’s all sensitive, and your body feels completely void of energy and you just want to “turn off?” Well, that’s what I did Saturday evening, I just turned myself off, because I had to. My sister was at her friend’s party so my room was fairly quiet. I sat up in bed and watched “Wedding Date” on HBO. It was an okay movie, but I think the fact that I was sitting by myself, in my room, with the computer off and a movie playing without commercials was treat enough so I couldn’t really complain.
Anyhow, it was nice. I always “plan” on having a movie night to myself and I always think about which of the hundreds of dvd’s I’ve got but don’t find the time to watch, will be THE ONE I’m in the mood for. I hate that I have to PLAN something that seems so simple. How hard is it to find 2-3 hours of alone time (except during the daily commute of course)? But, like I said, getting sick will sometimes get you that alone time we often unconsciously crave in this life where tasks and requests are shot at us at rapid-fire pace and we're expected to respond in record time. So next time you start to sniff, take it as a warning and relax.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
All I looked forward to on Friday was meeting up with my cousins Jeyel, PJ, and Ruel to hang out with our cousin, Melissa, who flew in last week from Dayton, OH to attend a conference. She was leaving Saturday afternoon so we got to spend a few hours with her. I haven’t seen this girl in a year, yet, between family reunions, the occasional wedding, AIM chats or phone calls, we still manage to stay connected with a slew of old and new inside jokes to keep us bound.
We didn’t get to shop around The Block too much (except for us buying each other our belated birthday presents. Thanks for the earrings, Mel!),nor were we able to sit in a bar or coffee shop to talk for very long, but we did have the loooooong drive from the OC to her hotel by LAX and, well, that was enough for us until July.
I can never get enough of spending time with these cousins of mine. There's always something to talk about, always something to to laugh about, always something to be concerned about. I appreciate it so much. Maybe living so far apart keeps us from getting sick of each other. But most times I wish we lived 10 minutes away from one another, just in case...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Actually, when I got Fernand’s email I was planning to blog this already. But then J0emama beat me to it! Anyhow, here you go…
Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Advertising Sales Assistant – SAGE Publications
2. Accounting Intern – DC Chamber of Commerce
3. General Books clerk – UCI Bookstore: I MISS SHELVING!
4. Merchandise clerk – Universal Studios Hollywood
Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. The Sound of Music
2. Any of the LORD OF THE RINGS movies
3. Wedding Planner
4. Alex & Emma
Four places you have lived in
2. Washington, DC
3. Irvine, CA
4. Quezon City, Philippines
Four TV shows you love to watch:
4. How I Met Your Mother
Four places you have been on vacation:
2. Chicago, IL
4. Toledo, OH
Four websites I visit daily:
1. Everyone’s Blogs
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Practically anything that has chocolate in it
2. Cheddar fries from Islands
3. Shrimp fried rice – I could eat this all day
4. Sushi (cooked sushi)
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In bed, fast asleep
2. On the couch sleeping (hahaha…who’s tired?)
3. At the foot of the Lincoln Memorial
4. Somewhere having a really great conversation
Four friends I am tagging that I think will respond:
Whoever wants to!
I just watched Kelly Clarkson’s new video, “Walk Away” and I laughed through probably 95% of it. The video begins with an announcement over the radio that Kelly Clarkson would be performing live. And as Kelly sings, a slew of people are listening to her from different settings as they go about their day, singing along with the song. Some are sitting in their cubicles, one guy was in the shower, another was mopping the kitchen floor, a cop was writing out a ticket, someone was vacuming, some guy was in his car stuck in traffic, etc. And as the song progresses in each of their separate worlds, they become increasingly uninhibited until their initial bouts of lip-synching turn into an unadulterated unleashing of the stage performer within! I LOVE IT!
I do that all the time! ESPECIALLY when I’m in the car driving to work or driving home. Sometimes I’ll be chill, singing along to some slow songs; you know little out-of-tune, but full-out versions of Whitney, Christina and Norah, maybe Alicia and a few broadway numbers. When I’m feeling a little melancholy or just want to raise my voice, that’s what I find myself wanting to sing to. But sometimes, when the day’s either been really great or really awful, you wanna let loose and just dance in your car, in which case I opt for 112’s "Dance With Me" or "Shake It," maybe "Hoochie Mama" or really break out the big guns with some bubble gum pop (*NSYNC, Britney, Dream, Christina, etc). My happy song lately has been Lost in Emotion by LisaLisa and Cult Jam. Geez I can’t NOT get into that song no matter where I hear it. Either that or Making the Band tunes, courtesy of Leia. I need Riann in the car with me though to fully enjoy those.
Anyhow, watch Kelly’s video and see for yourself what I’m talking about. You'll laugh and I'm sure that the next time you think you're performing for an audience of one (yourself), you'll turn around and see your parents wondering why it's taking you so long to dust. Hahaha! Cheers!
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Last week I said "Ack!" to Seong via AIM and he's all, "Ack? Who says 'ack?' What're you a cartoon?" Hahaha...and then I remembered these drawings that people have done of me.
This was Cile's perception of me during our freshman year at UCI when I was a stressed-out-no-social-life-goggle-toting-physics-calculus-chemistry-book-carrying chemical engineering major. She had all these awesome drawings, color pencils and markers on her side of the room, while I had the periodic table of elements, 10-pound books and carbon paper lab notebooks on MY desk. I remember all of Cile's drawings used to look like Japanimation. We watched a lot Ranma, Sailor Moon and My Friend Totoro. No wonder!
Pat drew this of me our junior year at UCI when I was one of the PCN costumes coordinators. It's such a spot-on drawing because, if you looked into our apartment from the outside, it looked like costumes were going to ooze out if you opened a door or a window. With the sewing machines, crates and hangers, you could easily mistake 71 Exeter for a sweatshop. Our front porch was full of PCN props too, courtesy of Cile and Pat. 71 Exeter...1999 PCN Central.
And today I discovered that my friend Toni has a link on her blog to create a cartoon doll version of yourself soooo, I just spent the last 20 minutes doing that. Hahaha! You can create the face, the outfit, the features ANYTHING! C'mon, you guys know you wanna do it too! They're not just girls either. There are boy versions too!
Does she look like me? I think she's a little too cute to be me but doesn't the hair, glasses and outfit kinda yell ANNA? Hahaha...anyhow, go on Toni's blog and make a cartoon doll version of you. I promise you'll have fun! Let me know how it turns out! I'm curious to know how you all perceive yourselves as Japanimation characters.
Here's to a year's worth (give or take a month) of planning!!! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE INVOLVED!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Horoscope for: Friday, March 17, 2006
Anna,Fears of losing what you have may run rampant across the movie screen of your mind. The more you try to keep them quiet, the louder they become. Instead of pretending that everything is okay, allow yourself to feel the stress of the day. Riding the mental currents is preferable to resisting them so you don't exhaust yourself to no avail.
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYONE!! (Happy feast day, Pat! hehehe!) Don't overdo it on the libations!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
My aunt forwarded this to me...
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
This is a telephone conversation I had with Fantone today:
Me: Hey girl what's up?
Fantone: Whatcha doin'?
Me: Nothing much. I'm just chatting and reading over Seong's research paper.
Fantone: He has to write a research paper? About what?
...we talk to for like 20 minutes and then we're saying our goodbyes...
Me: Ok girl, goodnight.
Fantone: Goodnight! Have fun reading Seong's paper about CREAM CHEESE.
ME: KIM-CHI, Fantone! (HAHAHAHAHA)
Fantone: Oh whatever it's still food.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Every single time I finish watching American Idol, I want to get in my car or take a shower and sing at the top of my lungs - OUT OF TUNE AND ALL! I'm no Whitney Houston (pre-Bobby Brown), Alicia Keys or Kelly Clarkson...shoot I'm not even Britney Spears (who doesn't even really do much SINGING), but when I feel it, I FEEL IT and I'll sing along to whoever and whatever is on my iTunes, Nano, radio or tv.
Some days are better than others. On a good day, what I sing actually sounds like an Anna version of the original song. On a bad day, singing the ABC's or Happy Birthday can become a vocally-challenging experience, for me and for the poor people who have to be around to hear it. Hahaha...
When I'm at home alone, I'll sing when I'm washing dishes, dusting, changing the bedsheets, folding laundry, etc. And what I sing along to could be anything - *NSYNC, Norah Jones, the CHICAG, Les Mirabes, or MISS SAIGON soundtracks. It's fun!
WHO WANTS TO GO KARAOKE?!!!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Hey everyone! A friend asked me to put out an ad for her on my blog:
Single Filipina seeks to replace former homie with whom she used to share carpooling responsibilities with (see below). Travel will usually take place between Orange County (Costa Mesa to be specific) and the Los Angeles area on random days when there’s a party goin’ on. Please leave a shout on blog chatterbox if you or someone you know could be interested. Thanks!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! THANKS PAT!
I finally took advantage of UCLA Extension’s Writers Program and finished 2 weekend classes on how to improve my writing skills. I admit I was a little intimidated (actually A LOT INTIMIDATED) when I finally decided to enroll. Unlike undergrad, these extension classes are administered like “workshops” where we’d do writing exercises and SHARE our work. God help me, because it was one thing to share my writing in a classroom of peers who are there to fulfill a requirement just like me, but it was another to sit in a room full of people who actually WANT to be writers and may have already been published. “Please don’t make me look like a dork,” I prayed before class. “Dork”…now THAT’S eloquence, Anna. Way to go!
So my first class was last month: THE ALCHEMY OF ART with Kate Braverman. She’s this skinny, middle-aged hippie who doesn’t own a TV, is married to a nanobiologist (the heck?) who plays the guitar when she’s doing spoken-word on the stage, and she’s all about the words on the page; writing as a way of living life, that is before commercialism gets a hold of it. Her mantra, when writing, is to KEEP GOING. “Don’t put a period anywhere! You can edit later,” she said. “If you put a period there now you won’t be able to write what you want!” And then she told us something that really got to me: DON’T BE AFRAID TO WRITE THE TRUTH – YOUR TRUTH. Our responsibility, as writers, is to tell our readers and ourselves, OUR truth It doesn’t if it’s nonsensical in the “real” world, because if it’s true to us, THEN WHO CARES? That’s stuck in me since then.
Being true to our writing was a similar theme in my second class by Maria Amparo Escandon: FINDING YOUR UNIQUE VOICE. Each person has their own voice on the page. Our voices are like fingerprints, similar to no one else’s. We read fragments of novels and short stories with a number of different voices and it’s, well, crazy that a 40-year old woman can channel a 14-year old girl’s voice in a story. I learned, based on my instructor’s theory, that each person’s got a well inside themselves….a well of shit, that is. And when we sit down to write something, we lower our bucket down into the well to draw up some…well, “shit” to extract emotions from, no matter how painful it is. I think that’s what’s keeping me from being the writer that I want to be. I’m trying to create emotion, most times, from external sources, when I should be taking them from somewhere with better resources, like my fears and failures, the things in life I often don’t LIKE to draw out.
My class was so…supportive. I got to be around 16 other writers whose curiosity and understanding about such a timeless art form was level, if not higher than, my own. Listening to everyone read their impromptu stories – humorous, poignant, exciting, etc – made me love every minute I was there. I made new friends who I hope to see and talk to again, possibly proofread something I’ve written. Cile said I need to hang out with other weird people, other writers. And I was like, “Ummm, not all writers are weird.” I stand corrected. Hahaha…jk! Writers aren’t weird, they (we?) just process information differently, like everyone else. We like to write stuff down…and then go home and write about what we wrote down. Hahaha!
Friday, March 10, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
It was Team Bev-Tin-Ja vs. Team Mel-Pat-James. These people were serious, driving the ball to the hoop without fear, passin’ the ball all fancy, shooting 3’s galore. Wow, I didn’t know it was gonna be like that. It got kind of rough at one point. Bev scratched Melissa’s arm! Hahaha…oh you Canonigo Sisters, so competitive!
During a break between games (they played 4 I think), these guys came onto the court and started shooting. Mel was like, “Umm, hello we’re still playing.” Then they offered to play for the court and all of us were like, hmmm, interesting. There was another court that had been occupied since before WE got there (and those people took up full-court), and another game going on the other half of our court. Why did they come up to THIS side? What dude, cuz we’re Asian? Cuz we got girls on this team? Mel and Pinay were all over it. Hahaha…So they left.
Fernand was like, oh God if they come back with their posse we should run. Hahaha…
After, we had lunch at THE STAND, this sitdown hot dog place on Ventura. Mmmm....Tin had so much fun that she made a slideshow of the pictures I took (Cile I think she IS your sister. hahaha!), complete with slide transition effects, music and everything. Too bad I don't know how to put it on a dvd. It's pretty good actually. Anyhow, the little sister hadn't played in two weeks since her season ended (Their JV Team won the title in their division!), so she was sore as all hell. She starts weight training in a couple of weeks then she has summer league, then conditioning in the fall before the season starts again in December. Hopefully playing with these folks teaches her a thing or two about bball. (See more pics to the right!)
Monday, March 06, 2006
I woke up 5 minutes late this morning. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but when there lies a 40-mile commute on the 101 North, 5 minutes is the difference between an uninterrupted drive through the Ventura hills at 7:00 am and an unlucky encounter with 7:00 am traffic in the city, or in my case today, a most unfortunate date with Monday morning destiny.
So back to getting up 5 minutes late...I thought it would be okay since I already laid out an outfit Sunday night. I often do this to avoid half-awake staring contests with my closet. Unfortunately, the long-sleeve shirt, cardigan and skirt looked better on the hanger the night before and I ended up changing into khaki slacks and, in order to save time (that was my intention anyway), I left my brown tights on under my pants. But I started to feel hot, so I decided to rid myself of the brown tights. If only the pants slid off as easily as I imagined. Instead they scraped roughly over the stockings and I struggled through this already irritating morning. There goes 10 minutes I’ll never get back.
By the time I shower, dress, undress and re-dress, it was 6:15 am (I leave the house at 6:30). Do I have to time to dry my hair and run a curling iron through it? I was provoked by thought for awhile. I didn’t have very much time so I haphazardly damp-dried my hair and threw on a headband. What else could I do? Thermasilk couldn’t help this staticky confection of nappiness now.
I left the house 6:35 am, hopped on the 5 North, then sat on the 134 West for what felt like an hour. Close. I sat there until I got to the 101…at 7:15 am! I was supposed to be at work in 15 minutes and I was 30 miles away. Restlessness does not begin to explain the agitation in that car.
When I finally got to the exit lane at 7:50, I thought I was home free. I’d never been so happy to get to work. But the mischievous Muses were not done with me just yet, because “Exit lane,” I learned, does not necessarily equal “Exit.” Today the Rancho Conejo off-ramp was just a way to take another stab at my already lacerated morning.
Apparently, the traffic light by the exit was broken. Oh well…
So I get to work and, because I arrived later than usual, I had to park farther from the entrance to the building. Did I mention it was drizzling? And that aside from forgetting my jacket, I also forgot my umbrella? Ho hum…
Except for an episode with the copy machine and paper towel dispenser, the rest of the day has been fairly quiet. Then again, it’s only 2:30 pm.