Wednesday, March 29, 2006

delusion [di-'lü-zh&n]
a false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness
Synonyms include, but are not limited to: misconception, apparition, fantasy, figment, fool's paradise, hallucination…

DELUSION – WHAT A GREAT WORD! I’m working on something right now and I needed to draw another bucket from my “well.” What better way to “dig up old shit” than to read through old journal entries. Fine, diaries, whatever.

Anyway, I find it all so amusing…NOW of course. Back then, moments of “heartbreak” felt like the end of the fair world as I knew it. Heaven forbid I should spare myself one instance where I didn’t blab my “secret” to twenty of my “closest” friends and then cry in complete humiliation when it all goes to Hades, even and especially when the reason behind such agony probably never had a clue. At least in the real world they didn’t have a clue.

In MY world, they knew every bit of how I was feeling but didn’t care or took advantage of it to score some goodness out of me. Wow, how paranoid can one be! When you have these “romantic” feelings for someone, you’ll believe just about anything you want to believe. You’ll see what you want to see. You’ll hear what you want to hear. And you’ll do what you THINK is the “right thing to do” when it’s really just your delusional subconscious telling you it’s okay to act like a fool – a fool for the “love” that you think you feel, that you think you see, that you think you’re going to get if you continue on this charade of the infatuated martyr.

I learned that attempted martyrdom doesn’t get you the guy or the girl. Playing hero or heroine to someone else’s damaged ego will in fact NOT make them fall in love with you. Instead it will, in almost every instance, only help them realize what a valuable FRIEND you are (which is fine if you had no ulterior motives) and there perpetuates the tragic cycle you knew you were in the middle of but didn’t care to step away from.

Frankly, I’m done with this ride and the 3D glasses are coming off. When you wear them, the world is enhanced, clear as day and it all looks like things are coming your way. When you take them off you realize everything is actually rather, well, blurry and convoluted.

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