Cake Nazis

Has anyone seen that episode of Seinfeld with the soup nazis? Ok maybe I'm exaggerrating just a tad, but if you've ever been to the famous OH-MY-GOD-YOU-LIVE-IN-GLENDALE-DO-YOU-GO-TO-THAT-CUBAN-BAKERY Porto's, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about.

There is a bakery on Brand Blvd here in Glendale that started out as this modest little family-owned business (go to www.portosbakery.com for more details). Seriously, the place was the size of my room! Then they kept having to expand cuz EVERYBODY AND THEIR DOG WANTED SOME DAMN CHEESEROLLS! Please don't get me wrong because I think it's an awesome bakery! When you taste the light and sweet cheeserolls, or the delectible triple chocolate mousse cake topped with ruffles of white chocolate, or the tasty fruit tart that no one can seem to get tired of, or my new discovery, the tres leches cake whose bottom is drenched in condensed milk, I suppose you'd brave the long wait just to order. Yes, there are that many different pastries you will definitely not taste at any other bakery. But it's the fanatacism of it that scares me.

It's insane here THE WHOLE TIME it's open. And people from all over the nation know about this place! You know, my parents handcarried 100 cheeserolls to our family reunion in Chicago at the request of my aunts and uncles? IT'S CRAZY! On saturday afternoon I pulled out a number from one of those number machine thingies at the bakery: #419. The ticker on the wall said: "Now serving 330!" THERE WERE 89 PEOPLE AHEAD OF ME! So I stood there, getting bumped into and pushed aside and ALL I WANTED WERE 3 DOZEN CHEESEROLLS...and joe's freakin' guava cheese roll (styupid!).

Leia is always asking me, "When are you gonna take me to that Cuban bakery?" and I would love to take her there one day, but as fate would have it, we never have the time to pass by when she's at my house. It's not like you can just go in and be out in 15 minutes. With Porto's that's unheard of, unless you're planning to make a run for the kitchen, stuff your face then head for the backdoor.

Uy ve, talk about taking advantage of the sweet tooth...