THIS IS ME AT 27

I watched Jamie Foxx on Inside the Actor’s Studio tonight and I discovered (and re-discovered) so much of myself in that hour than I have many a given days in the last 27 years of my life. I listened to him speak fondly about his childhood as I reflected on mine. I heard him allude to his grandmother (God rest her soul) every two minutes, citing her as the woman who gave him his “life’s tools” as I recalled every person who has ever made a difference in MY life. He spoke about the day he realized that the world around him was not as contained and straightforward as he had once thought. I listened to Jamie Foxx recount his life’s experiences; his moments of struggle, his moments of victory and his future, and I found myself saying, “Wow, that’s where I wanna be! I wanna be where he is in his life right now.” And then I heard it in my head: You’re there. You’re here. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right this minute at this time in your life.

I turned 27 years old today, and for the last few days I’ve been feeling the dread that comes with the joy that each birthday brings. I feel that muscle in my body ache just a little more and I hear that biological clock ticking much louder than it did 24 hours ago. My vision seems a tad bit compromised even with the corrective lenses, and the absent-mindedness is kicking at half-force. But I feel something else happening too. Acceptance.

Many people confuse “acceptance” with “settling.” I know because I was one of those people. But one has nothing to do with the other. “Settling, “ to me, suggests that when we are faced with a circumstance in our lives that we don’t feel we can manipulate to our benefit, we take it as is because we feel we have no choice, and let it stagnate like a fog over our lives as we complain and moan that we somehow got cheated. “Acceptance,” on the other hand, is practiced when we are confronted with a circumstance that may not be ideal to us at the moment, but in which we CHOOSE to find great potential for manageability and growth. I KNOW I’m not getting any younger. Time is a circumstance no living being on earth can contend with. I think after 27 years, I’ve finally accepted that.

I accept that all the dreams and all the fantasies I had about adulthood while I was growing up (love, career, spirituality, etc) may never incarnate in this lifetime the way I envisioned they would. And I’m happy to say that it’s because the little girl who had those dreams and fantasies GREW UP! She’s 27 years old now, an active part of a world she couldn’t have imagined in the same context as the world she knew back then. Today her world is bigger, filled with more opportunity to do and to find good than she could ever have hoped for and…well, I can’t wait to see what she can do with the tools her life gave her:

Strength, Courage & Wisdom
India Arie

Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found...

Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be

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