Monday, February 13, 2006
“Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.” - Anonymous
Everyone’s been telling me how different I am lately. I look different, sound different, act differently, etc. Which is funny because I remember quite distinctly, 3 years ago, when someone asked me why I was so UNhappy. Until that evening, I never really thought I was. Looking back, though, she had every right to put me on the spot. At 25 years old, I felt like a restless spirit. waiting for something good to happen to me. I craved it. I deserved it. And until I got it, I was just going to have to fake it. And we all know what happens when you lie to everyone (especially when you lie to yourself). You’re f*ckin’ screwed.
Finding happiness has become such a complicated thing in this world. So many of us postpone any feeling of joy until a more appropriate time – later, always later. We tell ourselves that we’ll achieve true happiness when we’ve put a check mark by everything on Life’s Never-ending List of Tasks to complete before we die. I know because I was a serial postponer and a serial waiter, hoping for someone to come or something to happen to make that emotion flutter my insides with contentment. I was constantly deferring the very happiness that I had so been longing for. Who knew that the only place I would find it would be the most unexpected: myself.
That has truly made all the difference in me that everyone keeps asking about. Cile once told me that I have to, “take care of my own shit. Stop worrying about what other people think, what other people need all the time from you. Take care of yourself! Take care of YOUR happiness, Anna.” It was like ten light bulbs turning on in my head. I have everything in me that I need to feel happy. Everyone and everything else I’m blessed with, like loving family and friends, are just bonuses! Incidentally, Cile’s also the person who asked me, three years ago, why I was so unhappy. You should’ve told me all this in 2003, Cile! Hahaha!!! I’m just kidding.
Anyhow, I am happy right now and 28 years old doesn’t seem so bad, no matter how close it is to that next milestone. I find myself smiling more, not worrying so much, being more efficient at problemsolving, looking forward to everything to come, good and bad. I could not ask for a better life than this. (Watch me eat my words tomorrow. Oh well, then we'll just deal with it.)
My Cornball Song for Today:
Feelin' So Good
When I opened up my eyes today
Felt the sun shining on my face
It became so clear to me that everything is going my way
I feel like there's no limit to what I can see
Got rid of fears that were holding me
My endless possibilities has the whole world opened for me
I'm feeling so good I knew that I would
Be taking care of myself Like I should
'Cause not one thing can bring me down
Nothing in this world’s gonna turn me round...
Now the day is turning into night
And everything is still going right
There's no way you can stop me this time
Or break this spirit of mine, oh no
Like the stars above I'm gonna shine
Anything I want will be mine
Tonight I'm gonna have a good time
Call a few friends of mine
'Cause I'm loving life