What 2003 Has Meant To Me...

By the time I finish this entry there will be about 6 hours left before the new year, 2004. Geez, every time I've attempted to finish a complete thought and type up an entry about the year I get distracted somehow (by fatigue or laziness, familial duties, or friends who call to ask what the big deal is about Lord of the Rings...by the way Cheryl, it's GANDALF, not RANDOLF...ha ha ha...THAT KILLS ME!!). Anyhow, before the rest of my family starts pouring in to ring in the new year, I've managed to steal a few moments to myself to do some pondering.

What did I get out of 2003? I'll tell you what I DIDN'T get...more money. I tell you, as much as I deny it, I can be an awful spender. In fact, my new year's resolution for 2004 is not to lose weight (it's a losing battle i need to figure out a more effective strategy to), but to take heed of my excessive spending. I'm reminded sporadically by mom and dad that Tin's high school tuition will not be met by only them, but by me as well. Hence, therefore, thus, my new digital video cam will have to wait. I'm DETERMINED to pay off at least one of my major credit cards this year. Small steps...

So what did I LEARN from 2003? I think the most significant lesson I've been taught this year is letting go. From January to especially this month, I've had to learn to let go of people, bad experiences, feelings and weaknesses. I know I've set a lot of limits on myself, especially the amount of emotion I choose to reveal. A retreat I attended at the beginning of the year helped me realize how much I had been holding in and how important it was that I let go. It's still a hardship I carry but I've learned to deal with it better, although there is much to work on.

I've learned a lot about letting go from people around me. Break-ups have been prevalent these last couple of years. And when they occur between friends, it's not only hard on the people who have undergone the break-up, but also difficult for the friends who have come to witness and become accustomed to that relationship. It's hard to see those close to you suffer so mercilessly at their loss. You sit there and listen to them cry and talk for hours over how it went wrong. You feel helpless and wish it had never happened. But then you see or talk to them after awhile, and you suddenly look at them differently. Perhaps they're not the same person they were and maybe they're still feeling sad or confused inside. But you realize that as hard as it is for them to let go, they will eventually and completely loosen their grip on that one part of their lives in order to hold on to another venture no matter who or what it is. Letting go of one thing only allows you to embrace another.

Letting go of people...Jhoette came here to visit for 3 months after having been gone a year. We cherished every minute we got to spend with him. He came in March and in a blink of an eye, it was May and he had to head back to the Philippines. A week later, Carlo followed him. One can only be so lucky to find such friends as Jhoette and Carlo. To say good-bye is the worst thing to have to say, even if it's not forever (at least we hope). We cry not only because we hate to see them go, but we worry for their safety and livelihood. In the end, we know they've departed to follow a dream or to escape a reality and I can only sing words of praise for their courage to do so...My beloved nephew and his parents have moved about 6-7 hours away. Their departure, although well-intended, has brought many of us to bitter sadness and longing. We missed the baby's first Christmas and first entrance into the new year and I can hardly decribe the emptiness that hangs like fog over this family because of this. But I know there are reasons beyond my help and understanding of why this is happening. I just pray that no matter what, my nephew's best interest is at hand always...My grandfather, Papang, who would've celebrated his 80th birthday today, has passed on and the only light I'm forced to see in these few weeks of darkness is that he is no longer suffering. He has been the hardest thing for me to let go of because he's really gone. When I visit the Philippines next he won't be there and it's something I have yet to accept.

Weaknesses....GET BEHIND ME SATAN! Unhealthy being that I've managed to become this year, giving up on things I love must be put under control or I'll kill myself. This year I resolve to take control of my life by putting the unhealthiest of aspects at bay. Healthy eating and regular excercise is a must so as to attain my rightful shape (inside and out). Most important goal this year? Cut back on superfluous spending. If not, my ulcer will surely burst everytime I sit down to do bills.

So that's me in 2003. I wish everyone a wonderful New Year's Eve and pray that 2004 will treat you better if this year didn't. If 2003 was excellent to you, then I hope 2004 is just as kind if not kinder. GOD BLESS!!