Playing Catch Up...

That's what I'm gonna do right now. I seriously haven't checked my e-mail since the afternoon of December 24! Suffice it to say, I've been occupied even moreso since then, driving to and from places, greeting people, blah blah blah...So here is my meager attempt...

When Reality Strikes, It Strikes Hard...

My mom came home from the Philippines on tuesday night, December 23rd armed with the typical balikbayan box filled with goodies for everyone. For a split second I forgot what she went back there for in the first place cuz she brought so much stuff with her; underwear (SO-EN baby!), polvoron, bags, bracelets and necklaces from my uncles, aunts, cousins and lolas. I was more than overwhelmed and extremely grateful. My aunts, uncles and cousins found the time and money to send us christmas gifts at such a fragile time and I was just so touched. One of my cousins wrote me a heartfelt letter saying he wishes my sister and I were there with them, and after looking through the pictures my mom came home with, I was indeed filled with tears at the realization that my grandfather had died and I wasn't there to bury him with the rest of my family. A pang of guilt still resides within and it's something I'm afraid I will carry with me for a very long time.

It was about a week after my mom had left when it really dawned on me what had happened. In the midst of trying to get everything done, in the middle of doing what my mom was supposed to do, I lost myself. The news of my grandfather's death had come so suddenly and we had to act to quickly to get my mom home that I didn't give myself anytime to mourn. It had been a week since we found out. I was sitting at my desk with phones ringing left and right, people asking me to do things and me trying to keep up when I caught myself in a state of vertigo...I just got dizzy. So I ran to the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. It had finally hit me; your grandfather's gone, Anna, and you're sitting in your office trying to enter 80 financial contracts into the computer. It made me hate everything and everyone around me and I was so ready to walk into my boss's office, yell I QUIT and storm out.

I hadn't felt so angry and so overwhelmed and so alone in so long. I just wanted to scream TO HELL WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! But you all know me, I'd never do that. So for the rest of the day I sulked. The crying, although cleansing, didn't feel thorough enough, so I figured I had to wait until the next breakdown to feel better. But then came Monday...

Kind Words...

Monday, December 22, I read an e-mail from a good friend who sounded like she needed someone to talk to so I called her right after work. We talked about her dilemma for awhile and then she asked, "Anna, how are YOU?" And for some reason I felt better, maybe because it sounded like she really meant it, like she really didn't mind taking time from her day to see if I was okay. She listened to me intently for half an hour and it was then that something inside felt better. I told her everything I was feeling and she didn't just grunt blank "uh huh's." I knew she cared and after that I actually began to take some time to deal with things happening around me. Thanks Isa!