shepherd ['she-p&rd]
one who herds, guards, and tends sheep; one who cares for and guides a group of people, as a minister or teacher;watch over like a shepherd
Synonyms include: attend, carry, conduct, escort, guide, oversee, protect, safeguard, shepherd, supervise, watch over

The responsorial psalm at mass on Sunday was from Psalm 23:1-6:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed and spent, confused and afraid (ESPECIALLY when I'm confused and afraid), and I wonder how much longer I’m going to last, I find myself wallowing in my own frustrations; agonizing over worst case scenarios, agitated over what hasn’t even happened yet. Basically I throw some theatrics into the world.

I let physical fatigue turn into weariness of heart; I allow worry to turn into paranoia and then I pray desperately for any kind of relief. It’s funny how fear can wrangle up all these emotions if we let it: the fear of messing up, of disappointment, of losing something/someone important. When we can’t figure the easiest way out of a less than perfect situation, choosing fear seems to be the next best thing…even though most times, it ends up being the worst.

These past few weeks I’ve experienced some moments of BLAH, a pseudo-respite, I suppose, from all that self-inflicted aggravation. I couldn’t figure out if I was tired, fed up, apathetic or just bored. I hate when I can’t identify the source of feeling this way.

It’s times like these when I find myself praying out of nowhere, asking God for signs that I’m notorious for misunderstanding, or not reading at all. Sometimes I act like I know what’s good for me and I later suffer because of it. This cycle could go on forever…until days like these past few come along and I get smacked in the face with that F-word.

No, not THAT F-word; a much more powerful one: Faith. It’s so easy to have when everything is under control, but is so easily forgotten in times when you need it the most. Letting go, and letting God is so hard to do when your hold on old habits refuses to loosen its grip. But when you do remember, and you use this gift liberally, the possibility of more strength for the struggles becomes more apparent and suddenly, life and everything in it, doesn’t seem so unmanageable.