SWEET REVENGE

A desperate optimism has infected me these last few weeks. Though I’ve attempted in years past to uncover the healthy me who dwells somewhere inside this cholesterol and sugar-filled sloth of a body, the effort always peaks in the beginning and loses momentum QUICKLY a quarter of the way through. Next thing you know I’ve weaseled my way out of yet another attempt to lose weight.

But now I’ve got a bit more encouragement at my side from a number of sources, and the regimen has been solid these last few weeks. Still though, bitter pangs rumble inside when I walk into the gym. Damn you skinny-size 0-wearing-stepford creatures, walkin’ around in your sports bras and leggings! Apparently they’re here to either give me something to strive for, or provide me with enough angst and jealousy to whip myself into hotness so I can kick their asses someday.

There are moments though when fortune smiles on the masses who run the treadmill in warm-ups and an old t-shirt in lieu of the hip-hugging yoga pants and halter tank. Monday was one such day. I was on my way up the 4 flights of stairs (talk about work-out before you get inside!) to get to the gym and this lady, dressed in an office outfit, was all struttin’ her stuff on the way to the stairwell. I rolled my eyes, of course, and proceeded, face-down, to double-step my way up. This lady continued her swagger up the stairs ever so slowly as if she knew how angry she was making the slew of people behind her. Before I gave in to the temptation to shove her up the last flight, I looked up and ‘lo and behold, this same lady’s slacks were ripped at the seams and her freakin’ black, lacey thong and a third of her ass was sayin’ wassup to everyone who followed behind her. I was like, “woh what the heck!”

Maybe she knew it had torn, but it was just so severe (the rip) that she couldn’t have known it and STILL decide to wear it to work, could she? Should I tell her? Should I not? Midway through this battle of conscience, the guy behind the counter scanned her membership card and she was gone.

Oh well…