MY GROWN-UP CHRISTMAS
I've been telling people these last few weeks that I haven't been as excited about the holiday season as I usually am. Maybe it's because I had school taking priority earlier this month when I would usually be sending out Christmas cards and making lists of holiday things-to-do. Maybe it's because I don't have sufficient funds to spend on presents for everyone like I was able to before. Or maybe it's because this quarter-life crisis theory has truly penetrated its way into my psyche and Christmas just isn't what I remembered it to be: a day of opening beautifully-wrapped boxes of new toys we couldn't wait to play with, or receiving envelopes that were filled with more money than we'd ever know as a child, or getting a new outfit to wear next day. That's what I remember.
But this year is different. I wasn't so much tearing open wrapped packages as I was wrapping them. I don't receive envelopes anymore because, well, I'm a working woman now I suppose (Funny how this is still doesn't solve any money issues for me but anyhow). My point is, I realized that now, more than ever, I feel contentment in watching other people enjoy Christmas, especially children. (Just look at Kelsoe in his Santa hat! Who can resist smiling at this vision?) It's been such a long time coming. Not until this year did I experience Christmas as a grown up, giving more than I receive and being just fine with it. It's an amazing feeling actually, one that I never understood until recently. It's the whole getting older business I think.
I was standing in the family room at my aunt and uncle's house in Palmdale on Christmas day, watching the Laker-Heat game with my cousins and uncles (a game which they could've won danggit!) when Matt turned to me and said, "When the hell did these kids (our younger cousins) grow up?" And we just kind of laughed about it. But that whole day I couldn't help but think back to what it used to be. Matt and I used to be the only two children our family had here in the states. We were the kids who got a ton of presents every year, and the ones everyone fussed over all the time. But now Matt and I are the older ones (THE eldest cousins here to be exact but whatever – HUSH!) and we're the ones fussing over and trying to catch up with the kids around US. We joke around that getting on in years sucks, but I think deep inside we think it's kinda cool (right Matt?). Things are different now and I welcome the change.
Christmas this year was filled with more answers to prayers and more evidence of faith than I could ever hope for. It was more about sharing a love and appreciation of togetherness as a family than it was sharing a love for materialism and wealth. This Christmas was more about re-forging and rediscovering the bonds of friendships than it was holding on to bitterness and pride. This Christmas was just MORE and I couldn't be thankful enough.
"True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment." ~ Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
I had such a fun weekend! FUN FUN FUN!!! (Aside from the whole spare tire stealing incident of course). Lots of exploration, discovery and realizing that being broke during the holidays is utterly confining, but not the worst thing in the world when you’re surrounded by good fortune and countless blessings.
Making the best of it…
My weekend began on Friday. We had our office holiday lunch at one of our client’s properties, a restaurant at this golf course in North Hollywood. We were all expecting this somewhat respectable establishment, complete with the Mexican buffet luncheon we were advised would be on the menu. Suffice it to say, when we got there, disappointment set in. The place looked like an IHOP, a Denny’s, with windows so dusty and dirty it looked like it was foggy outside on that sunny Friday afternoon. Our table hadn’t been prepared (we had a 3 pm reservation), it was a pretty unpleasant place. AND THEN they tell us that there’s no Mexican buffet because they were short-handed that day and had to cater to a large party that same afternoon so they settled for a simpler buffet menu (the sliced turkey – what was left of it, lookin’ nice and dry under the heatlamp; the mashed potatoes – lumpy and runny if you can imagine that; and the green beans – which were no more enticing than the turkey and mashed potatoes). We called our client, the one who owned the restaurant, to complain jokingly that we’d been had, so the head of their office drove up to treat us to some drinks as consolation.
After we’d been filled with our late lunch, the mood had lightened and suddenly it didn’t matter where we were. Laughter and immense gratitude had overtaken the disappointment from 30 minutes before. The important thing was that all of us were gathered together during this holiday season to recount the year’s high points and wohs, and thank each other for a job that would be unbearable if not for our concerted efforts to reach success. I got my LORD OF THE RINGS: Trilogy edition desk daily calendar!!! SUCH A GEEK I KNOW!!!
Getting jacked for the holidays…
Saturday morning was hilarious! My cousin, Ben, was supposed to arrive at LAX at 10:30 am from Charlotte, NC. His flight was 8 am EST. I get a call at 7:54 am from Ben (almost 11 am over there) and he tells me that he overslept and missed his flight! Thankfully, our party that evening was in Culver City at Andrew and Larnie’s house so his arrival that evening would be no problem since they live so close to the airport.
That evening we had our annual holiday homie gift exchange. Our ploy this year was to make a collage of pictures from magazines, etc that represented our holiday homie. Some people truly outdid themselves, from the most clever presentations (My sister did my Fantone collage, 3D, moveable!…Jean’s storybook poem about Will, Cile’s unbelievable drawing for Ate Cyn, etc.) to the most hilarious and makeshift (Larnie couldn’t find any glue 1 HOUR BEFORE THE PARTY so she used rice to stick the pictures to the paper, Joemama forgot to do one so he used a catalog of PAINT SAMPLES he found at the house to represent Larnie! Ha ha ha…).
Then we played white elephant where I LITERALLY owned BRIEFLY 5 or 6 different gifts because I kept getting jacked of the ones I was opening or taking from other people! I opened up a poker pocket game – which Joemama stole, a laundry bag – which Gary took, a lint shaver – which Leia stole, a folding chair – which Jean took and the Disney puzzle I stole from Fernie – FREAKIN’ ISA TOOK AWAY! I hate this game! In the end I ended up with a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a shell necklace/bracelet/anklet that Jason had just brought back from Hawaii. Mmmmmm…We all got what we asked for. I got my Lord of the Rings monopoly (GEEK!!!) and Father of the Bride 1 & 2 dvds (Thanks Joe!!!). But I got more out of that evening than a bag of wonderful presents and cards. I got to spend another evening in the company of the some of the most wonderful people I have the pleasure of calling my friends and now we all have a bunch of new inside jokes to recall. Thanks for allowing me to finally feel the holidays guys! Can’t wait for next year!
I had such a fun weekend! FUN FUN FUN!!! (Aside from the whole spare tire stealing incident of course). Lots of exploration, discovery and realizing that being broke during the holidays is utterly confining, but not the worst thing in the world when you’re surrounded by good fortune and countless blessings.
Making the best of it…
My weekend began on Friday. We had our office holiday lunch at one of our client’s properties, a restaurant at this golf course in North Hollywood. We were all expecting this somewhat respectable establishment, complete with the Mexican buffet luncheon we were advised would be on the menu. Suffice it to say, when we got there, disappointment set in. The place looked like an IHOP, a Denny’s, with windows so dusty and dirty it looked like it was foggy outside on that sunny Friday afternoon. Our table hadn’t been prepared (we had a 3 pm reservation), it was a pretty unpleasant place. AND THEN they tell us that there’s no Mexican buffet because they were short-handed that day and had to cater to a large party that same afternoon so they settled for a simpler buffet menu (the sliced turkey – what was left of it, lookin’ nice and dry under the heatlamp; the mashed potatoes – lumpy and runny if you can imagine that; and the green beans – which were no more enticing than the turkey and mashed potatoes). We called our client, the one who owned the restaurant, to complain jokingly that we’d been had, so the head of their office drove up to treat us to some drinks as consolation.
After we’d been filled with our late lunch, the mood had lightened and suddenly it didn’t matter where we were. Laughter and immense gratitude had overtaken the disappointment from 30 minutes before. The important thing was that all of us were gathered together during this holiday season to recount the year’s high points and wohs, and thank each other for a job that would be unbearable if not for our concerted efforts to reach success. I got my LORD OF THE RINGS: Trilogy edition desk daily calendar!!! SUCH A GEEK I KNOW!!!
Getting jacked for the holidays…
Saturday morning was hilarious! My cousin, Ben, was supposed to arrive at LAX at 10:30 am from Charlotte, NC. His flight was 8 am EST. I get a call at 7:54 am from Ben (almost 11 am over there) and he tells me that he overslept and missed his flight! Thankfully, our party that evening was in Culver City at Andrew and Larnie’s house so his arrival that evening would be no problem since they live so close to the airport.
That evening we had our annual holiday homie gift exchange. Our ploy this year was to make a collage of pictures from magazines, etc that represented our holiday homie. Some people truly outdid themselves, from the most clever presentations (My sister did my Fantone collage, 3D, moveable!…Jean’s storybook poem about Will, Cile’s unbelievable drawing for Ate Cyn, etc.) to the most hilarious and makeshift (Larnie couldn’t find any glue 1 HOUR BEFORE THE PARTY so she used rice to stick the pictures to the paper, Joemama forgot to do one so he used a catalog of PAINT SAMPLES he found at the house to represent Larnie! Ha ha ha…).
Then we played white elephant where I LITERALLY owned BRIEFLY 5 or 6 different gifts because I kept getting jacked of the ones I was opening or taking from other people! I opened up a poker pocket game – which Joemama stole, a laundry bag – which Gary took, a lint shaver – which Leia stole, a folding chair – which Jean took and the Disney puzzle I stole from Fernie – FREAKIN’ ISA TOOK AWAY! I hate this game! In the end I ended up with a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts and a shell necklace/bracelet/anklet that Jason had just brought back from Hawaii. Mmmmmm…We all got what we asked for. I got my Lord of the Rings monopoly (GEEK!!!) and Father of the Bride 1 & 2 dvds (Thanks Joe!!!). But I got more out of that evening than a bag of wonderful presents and cards. I got to spend another evening in the company of the some of the most wonderful people I have the pleasure of calling my friends and now we all have a bunch of new inside jokes to recall. Thanks for allowing me to finally feel the holidays guys! Can’t wait for next year!
Monday, December 20, 2004
WHAT THE HELL!
I can't wait to tell you all about my funfilled weekend, but before I do that, let me just tell you what happened to me last night. I get back to my car after an evening of dinner and drinks in Santa Monica and I'm staring at it because something seems to be missing...SOMEONE F*CKIN' STOLE MY SPARE TIRE COVER!!!!...in addition to 2 of the screws! I'm not angry, but all I gotta say is that whoever took it better have taken it cuz they're hungry and they need money to buy food. If not, I hope they fall into a hole!
I can't wait to tell you all about my funfilled weekend, but before I do that, let me just tell you what happened to me last night. I get back to my car after an evening of dinner and drinks in Santa Monica and I'm staring at it because something seems to be missing...SOMEONE F*CKIN' STOLE MY SPARE TIRE COVER!!!!...in addition to 2 of the screws! I'm not angry, but all I gotta say is that whoever took it better have taken it cuz they're hungry and they need money to buy food. If not, I hope they fall into a hole!
Monday, December 13, 2004
THANKS, I NEEDED THAT
This weekend was…how do I say this? HELLISH is a good word! That dang payroll accounting class kinda kicked me in the bootie this semester. But it’s all over now and I’m SOOOOO freakin’ happy that I couldn’t even begin to describe it to you all.
Every moment since I handed in my final, however, has been a welcome relief. I called Riann after I got into my car because she called me after HER final this afternoon and for some reason we were just all about laughter! I picked her up and we had dinner at Islands. I love this girl. Yes, there are times when we can get really serious about something, speaking in our most concerned and loving voices. But when we’re in the mood to be spastic and downright obnoxious, it’s just PURE, UNADULTERATED OBSCENE COMEDY! Every tiny circumstance made us crack up today, literally; like the “Up” and “Down” arrows by the elevator. They were placed incorrectly, pointing left and right so someone wrote out, in permanent marker, “Up” next to the arrow facing right, and “Down” next to the arrow facing left. I wish I had a camera so I could’ve taken a picture and shown you guys. It’s the silliest thing! And then dinner…oh man, it’s bad enough when you’re with me OR Riann cuz we’re both so talkative. But can you imagine the two of US together? Ha ha ha! Great conversations about our lives, our crazy friends, weirdo kids, etc. Loved it! Thanks Babygirl!
And then I came home and had the funniest ass conversation with Joemom! Ha ha ha…Homie, you freakin’ crack me up! Oh man, I’m still laughing dammit! It's ok though!!! =D
Nice…an evening full of laughter and great talks...After that stupid project and dumb final, I think it’s just what I needed. Now I get to worry about sending out Christmas cards, buying presents, wrapping presents, etc. Yay! I’m feeling the holiday cheer - FINALLY!!!
This weekend was…how do I say this? HELLISH is a good word! That dang payroll accounting class kinda kicked me in the bootie this semester. But it’s all over now and I’m SOOOOO freakin’ happy that I couldn’t even begin to describe it to you all.
Every moment since I handed in my final, however, has been a welcome relief. I called Riann after I got into my car because she called me after HER final this afternoon and for some reason we were just all about laughter! I picked her up and we had dinner at Islands. I love this girl. Yes, there are times when we can get really serious about something, speaking in our most concerned and loving voices. But when we’re in the mood to be spastic and downright obnoxious, it’s just PURE, UNADULTERATED OBSCENE COMEDY! Every tiny circumstance made us crack up today, literally; like the “Up” and “Down” arrows by the elevator. They were placed incorrectly, pointing left and right so someone wrote out, in permanent marker, “Up” next to the arrow facing right, and “Down” next to the arrow facing left. I wish I had a camera so I could’ve taken a picture and shown you guys. It’s the silliest thing! And then dinner…oh man, it’s bad enough when you’re with me OR Riann cuz we’re both so talkative. But can you imagine the two of US together? Ha ha ha! Great conversations about our lives, our crazy friends, weirdo kids, etc. Loved it! Thanks Babygirl!
And then I came home and had the funniest ass conversation with Joemom! Ha ha ha…Homie, you freakin’ crack me up! Oh man, I’m still laughing dammit! It's ok though!!! =D
Nice…an evening full of laughter and great talks...After that stupid project and dumb final, I think it’s just what I needed. Now I get to worry about sending out Christmas cards, buying presents, wrapping presents, etc. Yay! I’m feeling the holiday cheer - FINALLY!!!
I'M THINK I'M GONNA FAIL..DO I CARE THOUGH?
I just "finished" working on this DUMB, FREAKIN' USELESS AND CONFUSING payroll accounting project and I can confidently say that I have never cared less for an assignment. The subject matter on the first day of the quarter was actually pretty interesting to me...and then came the following week. Then it just became unbearable.
This payroll project that I just finished is the the most hilarious thing I will ever hand in. I have no clue if some of the figures even match and I haven't the faintest idea which report goes where. All I know is that I have a final to study for still and I just realized that this one disc doesn't have the capacity to hold this back-up. Ha ha ha...I'm freakin' laughing to myself right now cuz I'M SO ANNOYED!
Well, at least I have all day tomorrow to study for this final. I took a personal day off to prepare for this dumb exam and my level of concern is at a -4 right now. I kind of don't care how I do on this project. The final I can handle I think, but this project is WOW...can't even find the words to describe to you all the hell I've been through this week trying to finish this thing.
My final starts at 6:30 pm and I am literally giving myself an hour and a half to finish it; and when I get out of that God forsaken computer lab, I think I'm gonna do a little dance in the hallway and then call everyone I know to express my excitement and relief. In the meantime, I DO ask for your prayers. No I don't wanna fail this class...I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER ALREADY!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!...'kay bye! Thanks guys!
I just "finished" working on this DUMB, FREAKIN' USELESS AND CONFUSING payroll accounting project and I can confidently say that I have never cared less for an assignment. The subject matter on the first day of the quarter was actually pretty interesting to me...and then came the following week. Then it just became unbearable.
This payroll project that I just finished is the the most hilarious thing I will ever hand in. I have no clue if some of the figures even match and I haven't the faintest idea which report goes where. All I know is that I have a final to study for still and I just realized that this one disc doesn't have the capacity to hold this back-up. Ha ha ha...I'm freakin' laughing to myself right now cuz I'M SO ANNOYED!
Well, at least I have all day tomorrow to study for this final. I took a personal day off to prepare for this dumb exam and my level of concern is at a -4 right now. I kind of don't care how I do on this project. The final I can handle I think, but this project is WOW...can't even find the words to describe to you all the hell I've been through this week trying to finish this thing.
My final starts at 6:30 pm and I am literally giving myself an hour and a half to finish it; and when I get out of that God forsaken computer lab, I think I'm gonna do a little dance in the hallway and then call everyone I know to express my excitement and relief. In the meantime, I DO ask for your prayers. No I don't wanna fail this class...I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER ALREADY!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!...'kay bye! Thanks guys!
Saturday, December 11, 2004
DEAREST PAPANG,
I thought about you today while I was in church. I suddenly heard you talking to me. You may have realized I’d heard you when I wiped the tears from my face. A year ago on this very day you left us here to live your real life in heaven and I can’t imagine the paradise that it must be, but we sure miss you down here.
Everything’s okay as far as I can tell. I don’t doubt you’ve got access to the world you knew so well before. I know Mamang misses you a lot. I think about her as much as I think about you, wishing I could be there to take walks with her and talk to her like you did. But here I am an ocean away, only able to show my love through prayers, thoughts and the occasional greeting cards and random phonecalls. I know you always said that this was more than enough, but I always though I could do so much more. The only comfort I found was knowing that you knew I loved you, no matter how far away I was. Thanks so much for understanding.
So do you really hear me up there? I talk to you all the time, asking for help, guidance and protection, and you’ve never failed to come through. Even when you’re in heaven I’m asking for stuff! How spoiled am I? But that’s the grandparent curse I suppose, succumbing to the grandchild’s every wish no matter what form you’re in? Are you getting enough help up there? We’re a demanding bunch down here aren’t we? You probably have lots of people helping you out because I can’t believe how blessed I’ve been, especially lately.
I’ve been a little confused about life this past year, ‘Pang, trying so hard to figure out so many things at one time. But I try my hardest to hold the dearest of my faith close, a faith which has guided me through so many seemingly inconceivable dilemmas that I couldn’t even try to explain. I know you don’t worry though because you know how much faith I’ve got that no matter what happens to me, I’ll be able to handle it. There are just times, I guess, when I need a little reminder of that faith. Faith maintenance sure takes a lot of work. But knowing that you’re all up there watching over me is more protection and guidance than I could ever ask of my faith and I thank you.
So a few of my friends’ loved ones just arrived recently, right? And a few others got there before you? I’m sure you’ve all met, telling stories of your lives before heaven. I know they can hear me too, but thank them for watching over all of us too.
Okay, I better get going. This accounting class is a real pain! I'm sure you've heard me complaining about it? Can I get some help on this project and this final please? Thank you! Anyhow, Happy Christmas! Must be quite an event up there this time of year, huh? Celebrating Jesus' birthday? I can't wait to see what it's like myself. Until then...
Loving and thinking of you always, your granddaughter,
Lengleng
I thought about you today while I was in church. I suddenly heard you talking to me. You may have realized I’d heard you when I wiped the tears from my face. A year ago on this very day you left us here to live your real life in heaven and I can’t imagine the paradise that it must be, but we sure miss you down here.
Everything’s okay as far as I can tell. I don’t doubt you’ve got access to the world you knew so well before. I know Mamang misses you a lot. I think about her as much as I think about you, wishing I could be there to take walks with her and talk to her like you did. But here I am an ocean away, only able to show my love through prayers, thoughts and the occasional greeting cards and random phonecalls. I know you always said that this was more than enough, but I always though I could do so much more. The only comfort I found was knowing that you knew I loved you, no matter how far away I was. Thanks so much for understanding.
So do you really hear me up there? I talk to you all the time, asking for help, guidance and protection, and you’ve never failed to come through. Even when you’re in heaven I’m asking for stuff! How spoiled am I? But that’s the grandparent curse I suppose, succumbing to the grandchild’s every wish no matter what form you’re in? Are you getting enough help up there? We’re a demanding bunch down here aren’t we? You probably have lots of people helping you out because I can’t believe how blessed I’ve been, especially lately.
I’ve been a little confused about life this past year, ‘Pang, trying so hard to figure out so many things at one time. But I try my hardest to hold the dearest of my faith close, a faith which has guided me through so many seemingly inconceivable dilemmas that I couldn’t even try to explain. I know you don’t worry though because you know how much faith I’ve got that no matter what happens to me, I’ll be able to handle it. There are just times, I guess, when I need a little reminder of that faith. Faith maintenance sure takes a lot of work. But knowing that you’re all up there watching over me is more protection and guidance than I could ever ask of my faith and I thank you.
So a few of my friends’ loved ones just arrived recently, right? And a few others got there before you? I’m sure you’ve all met, telling stories of your lives before heaven. I know they can hear me too, but thank them for watching over all of us too.
Okay, I better get going. This accounting class is a real pain! I'm sure you've heard me complaining about it? Can I get some help on this project and this final please? Thank you! Anyhow, Happy Christmas! Must be quite an event up there this time of year, huh? Celebrating Jesus' birthday? I can't wait to see what it's like myself. Until then...
Loving and thinking of you always, your granddaughter,
Lengleng
Friday, December 10, 2004
REBUTTAL
I encountered some rather interesting ideas today about “girls and their fragile hearts” and I’m compelled to talk about it myself. No, I’m not an expert on relationships or dating and I don’t hold a PhD in the Mars vs Venus phenomenon, but I’m a lady who knows my way around (and back) when it comes to heartache and the sometimes incessant desire to long for another who doesn’t share your same magnitude of emotion. I agree with a lot of what my friend has to say. Yes, sometimes when a person (not just girls, my friend) is interested in someone, the level of uncertainty is pretty prominent. Uncertainty about how the other person feels about you, the ambiguity of their actions and words, the questionable intensity of each side’s emotions, etc. I think this uncertainty is why people pull back in the beginning of things. They’ve entered into this situation that makes their stomach turn at the mere thought of this girl or guy; a situation that gives them chills at the slightest physical contact. I think they pull back if only to see things from a more objective point of view after having been heaved into this emotional vacuum, more often than not, hoping to gain more perspective before they dive in at full speed. I think they’re just trying to find SOME assurance in the unsure.
And yes, heartache is temporary, but that’s the individual heart’s choice. If a heart wants to heal, there is no doubt that it will. But if it wants to be broken, it has to be allowed to be so for as long as it needs to realize that all its pieces still work when it’s put back together. I’m not gonna defend people who wish to marinate in their self-pity (which is the residue that heartache often produces). I used to be one of those people and I hated myself for the time I thought I wasted. But the proverb about time is true. Sometimes that’s all you can depend on to heal the wound. And how else are you gonna learn if not to make mistakes such as this, no matter how monumental it is. The bigger the mistake, the bigger the lesson.
Excellent reminder on the regret thing. I agree with you about that 100%. It CAN lasts forever if you let it, and Lord knows the millions of “what’ifs” that can surely torture you thereafter. But not everyone is equipped to get screwed over fifty times and still be able to go out and fight the same way. Regret is an emotion. Although abstract, it’s still as damaging to the soul as it is can be to the heart. But you can’t tweak emotion like you can a machine. What you can do is tweak how you act when you experience it. Not having to live with regret doesn’t just mean taking chances on every opportunity that comes to you. It also means taking the regretful situation, learning from it and then using it to create more opportunities. Easier said than done, I know, but at least you can’t say you didn’t try to rid the regret right? Making lemonade out of lemons?
And the advice for girls who don’t seem to realize that a guy isn’t interested in them after they haven’t called back? Instead of avoiding phonecalls, emails, textes, etc, why don’t guys just tell girls TO THEIR FACES that they don’t like them? Is honesty really too much to ask for? Most of the time, that’s all we need to hear to get us going down another road – away from whoever isn’t interested in us. Girls’ hearts aren’t as “fragile” as many seem to think. I think you mean sensitive. Fragile and sensitive aren’t interchangeable. Sensitivity reflects awareness of what’s happening around you. Fragile indicates ease in destruction in the face of disaster and the inability to be rebuilt. Sensitivity indicates an ability to be responsive to what’s occurring around you. Fragile to me sounds like a difficulty to stand firm when we’re being knocked from all sides. Sensitivity is a keenness in judgment, ability to make choices based on your surroundings. Fragile channels feebleness or frailty. There’s nothing fragile about a woman’s heart. We’ve been criticized for being too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, too smart, naïve, etc. We’ve had our hearts broken by dishonest men who didn’t have balls to speak truth to our faces. And still here we are, having taken chances on the men in our lives (brothers, boyfriends, friends, husbands, etc) who have the courage to love us enough to be truthful.
Who do you guys claim you turn to when you need to talk about feelings of love or need comfort from the rain anyhow? You go to your homies to help you talk about how you’re feeling? You go to your girlfriends and galpals to aid you through the emotional load and we’re always happy to do it! Just please don’t ever use the word fragile to describe us ever again.
I encountered some rather interesting ideas today about “girls and their fragile hearts” and I’m compelled to talk about it myself. No, I’m not an expert on relationships or dating and I don’t hold a PhD in the Mars vs Venus phenomenon, but I’m a lady who knows my way around (and back) when it comes to heartache and the sometimes incessant desire to long for another who doesn’t share your same magnitude of emotion. I agree with a lot of what my friend has to say. Yes, sometimes when a person (not just girls, my friend) is interested in someone, the level of uncertainty is pretty prominent. Uncertainty about how the other person feels about you, the ambiguity of their actions and words, the questionable intensity of each side’s emotions, etc. I think this uncertainty is why people pull back in the beginning of things. They’ve entered into this situation that makes their stomach turn at the mere thought of this girl or guy; a situation that gives them chills at the slightest physical contact. I think they pull back if only to see things from a more objective point of view after having been heaved into this emotional vacuum, more often than not, hoping to gain more perspective before they dive in at full speed. I think they’re just trying to find SOME assurance in the unsure.
And yes, heartache is temporary, but that’s the individual heart’s choice. If a heart wants to heal, there is no doubt that it will. But if it wants to be broken, it has to be allowed to be so for as long as it needs to realize that all its pieces still work when it’s put back together. I’m not gonna defend people who wish to marinate in their self-pity (which is the residue that heartache often produces). I used to be one of those people and I hated myself for the time I thought I wasted. But the proverb about time is true. Sometimes that’s all you can depend on to heal the wound. And how else are you gonna learn if not to make mistakes such as this, no matter how monumental it is. The bigger the mistake, the bigger the lesson.
Excellent reminder on the regret thing. I agree with you about that 100%. It CAN lasts forever if you let it, and Lord knows the millions of “what’ifs” that can surely torture you thereafter. But not everyone is equipped to get screwed over fifty times and still be able to go out and fight the same way. Regret is an emotion. Although abstract, it’s still as damaging to the soul as it is can be to the heart. But you can’t tweak emotion like you can a machine. What you can do is tweak how you act when you experience it. Not having to live with regret doesn’t just mean taking chances on every opportunity that comes to you. It also means taking the regretful situation, learning from it and then using it to create more opportunities. Easier said than done, I know, but at least you can’t say you didn’t try to rid the regret right? Making lemonade out of lemons?
And the advice for girls who don’t seem to realize that a guy isn’t interested in them after they haven’t called back? Instead of avoiding phonecalls, emails, textes, etc, why don’t guys just tell girls TO THEIR FACES that they don’t like them? Is honesty really too much to ask for? Most of the time, that’s all we need to hear to get us going down another road – away from whoever isn’t interested in us. Girls’ hearts aren’t as “fragile” as many seem to think. I think you mean sensitive. Fragile and sensitive aren’t interchangeable. Sensitivity reflects awareness of what’s happening around you. Fragile indicates ease in destruction in the face of disaster and the inability to be rebuilt. Sensitivity indicates an ability to be responsive to what’s occurring around you. Fragile to me sounds like a difficulty to stand firm when we’re being knocked from all sides. Sensitivity is a keenness in judgment, ability to make choices based on your surroundings. Fragile channels feebleness or frailty. There’s nothing fragile about a woman’s heart. We’ve been criticized for being too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, too smart, naïve, etc. We’ve had our hearts broken by dishonest men who didn’t have balls to speak truth to our faces. And still here we are, having taken chances on the men in our lives (brothers, boyfriends, friends, husbands, etc) who have the courage to love us enough to be truthful.
Who do you guys claim you turn to when you need to talk about feelings of love or need comfort from the rain anyhow? You go to your homies to help you talk about how you’re feeling? You go to your girlfriends and galpals to aid you through the emotional load and we’re always happy to do it! Just please don’t ever use the word fragile to describe us ever again.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
Every holiday season I go through the same things; I drive around parking lots hoping to find that ONE car that’ll give me a chance to get my shopping done, I walk through crowded malls clutching my packages closely, hurrying to spend dollar upon dollar of my hard-earned money and credit to buy gifts for those I hold dear. I take these bags and boxes of goodies home, wrap them lovingly and then place them under the tree with the greatest of care and anticipation. “I can’t wait to see their faces when I give it to them!” is what I always find myself thinking. All the while the holiday soundtrack plays in the background; sounds of silver bells in the silent night never fail to make me smile.
But this year is so different. I haven’t been able to drag myself to the mall (IT’S ACROSS THE STREET FOR CRYING OUT LOUD), haven’t wrapped one gift and they started playing Christmas songs so early that I’m practically all Jingle Belled out and it’s barely December 9! I think it’s because I don’t really have the means like I used to to buy the gifts I want to give. I always wonder why, but remember unfortunately when I have to sit down and write checks to the Department of Education, Union 76, Citi Cards, Bank of America (for my car)…the list goes on. I know this shouldn’t dampen my Christmas spirit, but it IS spitting on it just a little bit.
I guess tickets to a basketball game for my parents are gonna have to wait. And my sister’s gonna have to seek alternative gifts from her Ate (how about my unlimited chauffeur services…oh wait – SHE’S ALREADY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT!). Oh well, I suppose this year will give me a chance to utilize my other talents (aside from my excellent spending abilities) to account for Christmas gifts with “Love Anna” tags attached to them. I feel myself getting schooled on the true meaning of Christmas already. Here’s to a blessed and inexpensive Noel. Happy Holidays everyone!
Every holiday season I go through the same things; I drive around parking lots hoping to find that ONE car that’ll give me a chance to get my shopping done, I walk through crowded malls clutching my packages closely, hurrying to spend dollar upon dollar of my hard-earned money and credit to buy gifts for those I hold dear. I take these bags and boxes of goodies home, wrap them lovingly and then place them under the tree with the greatest of care and anticipation. “I can’t wait to see their faces when I give it to them!” is what I always find myself thinking. All the while the holiday soundtrack plays in the background; sounds of silver bells in the silent night never fail to make me smile.
But this year is so different. I haven’t been able to drag myself to the mall (IT’S ACROSS THE STREET FOR CRYING OUT LOUD), haven’t wrapped one gift and they started playing Christmas songs so early that I’m practically all Jingle Belled out and it’s barely December 9! I think it’s because I don’t really have the means like I used to to buy the gifts I want to give. I always wonder why, but remember unfortunately when I have to sit down and write checks to the Department of Education, Union 76, Citi Cards, Bank of America (for my car)…the list goes on. I know this shouldn’t dampen my Christmas spirit, but it IS spitting on it just a little bit.
I guess tickets to a basketball game for my parents are gonna have to wait. And my sister’s gonna have to seek alternative gifts from her Ate (how about my unlimited chauffeur services…oh wait – SHE’S ALREADY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT!). Oh well, I suppose this year will give me a chance to utilize my other talents (aside from my excellent spending abilities) to account for Christmas gifts with “Love Anna” tags attached to them. I feel myself getting schooled on the true meaning of Christmas already. Here’s to a blessed and inexpensive Noel. Happy Holidays everyone!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
REMINISCE
So I noticed that every single time there is a new person around us, we always end up telling high school stories; probably because we feel the need to give this person background on how we all met. That’s when the take-me-back-to-1992,1993,1994,1995,1996-stories begin to resurface. Tales of high school mischief are always #1 on the intro list! Just ask the boys about the Valentine gram they messed up for someone at their school, or the corrupt ASB officers who laundered dance money, or the nun who felt compelled to curse her students to burn in the fires of Gehena, or the blind religion teacher they loved to screw over - RELENTLESS I TELL YOU! Our seemingly neverending web of puppy love and infatuation are also fun to recount. Joe’s still waiting for this one girl to pay him back the $47.50 he paid for the dozen roses he bought for her on Valentine’s day in 1996 dammit! And have Cile tell you about the guy who got dressed at the mall and then took her to his prom. And yes, Iya was indeed still the mac that she is now back then.
So why bring this up now? Because I spent the evening watching my sister’s high school basketball team play that’s why. I love watching these young kids (Oh God, cuz I’m not one of them anymore) and remembering what it felt like to be that age, undergoing those experiences you can only fully understand so much later in life. I see the confidence in their strut and the school pride on their faces as they walk around with their friends, scoping the scene with their most discerning eyes. I remember how good it felt to cheer your basketball, volleyball or soccer team to victory because you have the pleasure of sharing the same colors as they. I remember the anticipation before those school dances, getting primped for an evening with friends and the possibility of meeting new people. I remember the music - Pharcyde, Hi-Five, Shai, Mary J. I remember getting to school in the morning, getting through my classes, cheerleading practice - I remember how all that felt! I just can’t believe how long it’s been…
So I noticed that every single time there is a new person around us, we always end up telling high school stories; probably because we feel the need to give this person background on how we all met. That’s when the take-me-back-to-1992,1993,1994,1995,1996-stories begin to resurface. Tales of high school mischief are always #1 on the intro list! Just ask the boys about the Valentine gram they messed up for someone at their school, or the corrupt ASB officers who laundered dance money, or the nun who felt compelled to curse her students to burn in the fires of Gehena, or the blind religion teacher they loved to screw over - RELENTLESS I TELL YOU! Our seemingly neverending web of puppy love and infatuation are also fun to recount. Joe’s still waiting for this one girl to pay him back the $47.50 he paid for the dozen roses he bought for her on Valentine’s day in 1996 dammit! And have Cile tell you about the guy who got dressed at the mall and then took her to his prom. And yes, Iya was indeed still the mac that she is now back then.
So why bring this up now? Because I spent the evening watching my sister’s high school basketball team play that’s why. I love watching these young kids (Oh God, cuz I’m not one of them anymore) and remembering what it felt like to be that age, undergoing those experiences you can only fully understand so much later in life. I see the confidence in their strut and the school pride on their faces as they walk around with their friends, scoping the scene with their most discerning eyes. I remember how good it felt to cheer your basketball, volleyball or soccer team to victory because you have the pleasure of sharing the same colors as they. I remember the anticipation before those school dances, getting primped for an evening with friends and the possibility of meeting new people. I remember the music - Pharcyde, Hi-Five, Shai, Mary J. I remember getting to school in the morning, getting through my classes, cheerleading practice - I remember how all that felt! I just can’t believe how long it’s been…
(“Getting to know…” series to be resumed soon. Can’t believe I haven’t done it in a month!)
ELVES ON THE MIND
No, not Christmas elves. Well, really just the ONE elf…LEGOLAS!! Anyhooters, I’m freakin’ excited because one week from today the extended version of Return of the King is gonna be released on dvd!!! 50 extra freakin’ minutes! Can I get a WOW? I know the theatrical version was already kinda long (3 hours 20 minutes), but man! I can’t wait to see all the parts that I couldn’t wait to see on film when I was reading the book but weren’t included in the movie. WOO HOO!!! Sooooo, who’s down for a Lord of The Rings extended versions marathon? Anyone?…Hello?…Bueller?…This thing on?
Hee hee hee…haven’t used my Best Buy credit card in a while cuz I’m saving it for this! CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ELVES ON THE MIND
No, not Christmas elves. Well, really just the ONE elf…LEGOLAS!! Anyhooters, I’m freakin’ excited because one week from today the extended version of Return of the King is gonna be released on dvd!!! 50 extra freakin’ minutes! Can I get a WOW? I know the theatrical version was already kinda long (3 hours 20 minutes), but man! I can’t wait to see all the parts that I couldn’t wait to see on film when I was reading the book but weren’t included in the movie. WOO HOO!!! Sooooo, who’s down for a Lord of The Rings extended versions marathon? Anyone?…Hello?…Bueller?…This thing on?
Hee hee hee…haven’t used my Best Buy credit card in a while cuz I’m saving it for this! CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, December 06, 2004
SHE WAS RIGHT
Have you ever worried yourself about something and then suddenly get over it? Hmmm...it's interesting. Iya always tells me how it's good to cry over something because it helps you get through it. People really only cry sad tears for one reason right? Because they feel pain, hurt? Physical or emotional.
Well, there was a time when I thought I’d done enough crying to last me lifetimes so I decided to try to control that somehow, not show such weakness. I thought crying only made the already hurt feelings hurt even more. But when you suppress anything, say tears for example which represent sorrow or fear, only one thing can happen right? Boom! Implosion. Unfortunately, the hurt you were trying to suppress seems to hurt even more then.
But I’ve been trying to deal with things differently lately, and allowing myself to cry about something is one of the items on my HOW DO DEAL list. I’ve cried a few times these last couple of weeks (I’m ok, no one worry please) and, honestly? It felt good. There were lots of things I realized after I let my eyes rip it. A great number of thoughts I would probably not have acknowledged suddenly manifested and I feel much better about my position on things. Think of tears as Windex for your senses. You won’t be able to think clearly enough if you don’t wash away the residue that is worry and hurt every once in a while.
Crying really can be cleansing when you realize it’s at your disposal and you can use it whenever you feel like you have to. What a strange concept to think of crying as a form of therapy. And here I used to think crying was for the weak, when actually, it's the strong who know how to cry and then move on.
Have you ever worried yourself about something and then suddenly get over it? Hmmm...it's interesting. Iya always tells me how it's good to cry over something because it helps you get through it. People really only cry sad tears for one reason right? Because they feel pain, hurt? Physical or emotional.
Well, there was a time when I thought I’d done enough crying to last me lifetimes so I decided to try to control that somehow, not show such weakness. I thought crying only made the already hurt feelings hurt even more. But when you suppress anything, say tears for example which represent sorrow or fear, only one thing can happen right? Boom! Implosion. Unfortunately, the hurt you were trying to suppress seems to hurt even more then.
But I’ve been trying to deal with things differently lately, and allowing myself to cry about something is one of the items on my HOW DO DEAL list. I’ve cried a few times these last couple of weeks (I’m ok, no one worry please) and, honestly? It felt good. There were lots of things I realized after I let my eyes rip it. A great number of thoughts I would probably not have acknowledged suddenly manifested and I feel much better about my position on things. Think of tears as Windex for your senses. You won’t be able to think clearly enough if you don’t wash away the residue that is worry and hurt every once in a while.
Crying really can be cleansing when you realize it’s at your disposal and you can use it whenever you feel like you have to. What a strange concept to think of crying as a form of therapy. And here I used to think crying was for the weak, when actually, it's the strong who know how to cry and then move on.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
IF I COULD BE DOING ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW...
I'd be downstairs playing with the Magic Mic. I'm always in the mood to break out into song after I've seen a musical. Accompanied by Cile, James, Riann, Joe, Marnelli, Rachele, Mark, Eric, Randy, Fantone, JaJa & Bev, I saw Les Miserables last night for the 3rd time. I love the actors singing their dialogue. Can you imagine singing everything you said? HOW FUN IS THAT! My favorite parts of the musical were Cile's sporadic outbursts of laughter during really dramatic scenes and everyone's anticipation at hearing the one song they knew from the musical, "On My Own" cuz Joey Potter sang it on Dawson's Creek! HILARIOUS!
We had a late dinner at Full House in Chinatown right after. This was followed by 30-45 minutes at this bar called Hop Louie. It seriously looks like someone's basemet cuz it was so dark, there were Christmas lights along the walls, and these two rather elderly Chinese bartenders were just kickin' it, watching Conan. Cile said that it was a famous place way back when. By the way, I don't know how we always do this but we ALWAYS somehow find a way to tell and retell high school stories. (Joe, Ja & Randy, I think you guys should work on a Murphy Stories blog. That would be MONEY!!!) Thanks again guys for a fun evening!
Anyhow, I'd rather be doing anything BUT what I'm doing right now. I wanted to drop this class like 3-4 weeks into the quarter, but I couldn't return the $85 book I bought so I said to myself, in Isa's famous words, suck it up!
Ok for real, I better get going. This accounting project isn't gonna finish itself...can it? (ha ha ha, I feel like I just wrote a letter cuz I'm all saying "Bye!")....OK OK FOR REAL BYE!
I'd be downstairs playing with the Magic Mic. I'm always in the mood to break out into song after I've seen a musical. Accompanied by Cile, James, Riann, Joe, Marnelli, Rachele, Mark, Eric, Randy, Fantone, JaJa & Bev, I saw Les Miserables last night for the 3rd time. I love the actors singing their dialogue. Can you imagine singing everything you said? HOW FUN IS THAT! My favorite parts of the musical were Cile's sporadic outbursts of laughter during really dramatic scenes and everyone's anticipation at hearing the one song they knew from the musical, "On My Own" cuz Joey Potter sang it on Dawson's Creek! HILARIOUS!
We had a late dinner at Full House in Chinatown right after. This was followed by 30-45 minutes at this bar called Hop Louie. It seriously looks like someone's basemet cuz it was so dark, there were Christmas lights along the walls, and these two rather elderly Chinese bartenders were just kickin' it, watching Conan. Cile said that it was a famous place way back when. By the way, I don't know how we always do this but we ALWAYS somehow find a way to tell and retell high school stories. (Joe, Ja & Randy, I think you guys should work on a Murphy Stories blog. That would be MONEY!!!) Thanks again guys for a fun evening!
Anyhow, I'd rather be doing anything BUT what I'm doing right now. I wanted to drop this class like 3-4 weeks into the quarter, but I couldn't return the $85 book I bought so I said to myself, in Isa's famous words, suck it up!
Ok for real, I better get going. This accounting project isn't gonna finish itself...can it? (ha ha ha, I feel like I just wrote a letter cuz I'm all saying "Bye!")....OK OK FOR REAL BYE!
Friday, December 03, 2004
MY FAVORITE SOUND
My favorite sound in the whole wide world is THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER! I just realized it recently when I was in a room full of people, in a bit of a daze and I snapped out of it because I heard laughing in the next room. I can’t remember what I was so mystified by and I didn’t know what was causing all the merriment, but for some reason it brought me out of my spell with the nicest feeling inside; a welcoming feeling that could only be brought by the familiarity of your life’s voices. Laughter is one of the most comforting sounds when you’re stuck in a bind and a good friend has brought you some comic relief. It’s the best feeling to laugh so hard you start crying. I love sharing an inside joke with a friend in the corner of a crowded room full of strangers. I love it when you’re trying hard NOT to laugh and you end up laughing so much harder! I love hearing someone’s laugh from another room and knowing exactly who it is.
That’s what Thursday night was filled with – LOTS AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER! From Joemama’s tale of suspicion, to the round table discussion of Iya & Isa’s feline-like fierceness, to the 45-min long live documentary on a man’s love for his Nikes, last night wrote in a few more events into our lifelong book of memories.
Joe’s SUPPLIES (Ok we’re SO gonna wear this expression out and I KNOW that SOMEONE is gonna realize what’s behind it and be offended, but for now we’ll milk it!) was a success because the birthday boy was muy happy! (At least he seemed like it. Dude were you just playing along like you were about the surprise?!) So we all tried to keep our mouths shut for a whole week, until the 11th hour, playing dumb every time we were chatting or talking to Joe, and probably almost slipping a few times. Theda says that her big bro is much too smart for his own good though because he figured there was something weird going on before he got there. Dude why you gotta be suspicious all the time man! Nevertheless, he was (sort of) surprised, he got to spend time with his friends on his birthday and he laughed away so much of his happiness that he ended up crying a little (Are you gonna turn into a crier like Iya, Joe? Is this what getting older comes down to? ha ha ha…jk!).
You can’t get much more out of one day than the satisfaction of surrounding yourself with the laughter of loved ones. THIS laughter is what I live for.
My favorite sound in the whole wide world is THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER! I just realized it recently when I was in a room full of people, in a bit of a daze and I snapped out of it because I heard laughing in the next room. I can’t remember what I was so mystified by and I didn’t know what was causing all the merriment, but for some reason it brought me out of my spell with the nicest feeling inside; a welcoming feeling that could only be brought by the familiarity of your life’s voices. Laughter is one of the most comforting sounds when you’re stuck in a bind and a good friend has brought you some comic relief. It’s the best feeling to laugh so hard you start crying. I love sharing an inside joke with a friend in the corner of a crowded room full of strangers. I love it when you’re trying hard NOT to laugh and you end up laughing so much harder! I love hearing someone’s laugh from another room and knowing exactly who it is.
That’s what Thursday night was filled with – LOTS AND LOTS OF LAUGHTER! From Joemama’s tale of suspicion, to the round table discussion of Iya & Isa’s feline-like fierceness, to the 45-min long live documentary on a man’s love for his Nikes, last night wrote in a few more events into our lifelong book of memories.
Joe’s SUPPLIES (Ok we’re SO gonna wear this expression out and I KNOW that SOMEONE is gonna realize what’s behind it and be offended, but for now we’ll milk it!) was a success because the birthday boy was muy happy! (At least he seemed like it. Dude were you just playing along like you were about the surprise?!) So we all tried to keep our mouths shut for a whole week, until the 11th hour, playing dumb every time we were chatting or talking to Joe, and probably almost slipping a few times. Theda says that her big bro is much too smart for his own good though because he figured there was something weird going on before he got there. Dude why you gotta be suspicious all the time man! Nevertheless, he was (sort of) surprised, he got to spend time with his friends on his birthday and he laughed away so much of his happiness that he ended up crying a little (Are you gonna turn into a crier like Iya, Joe? Is this what getting older comes down to? ha ha ha…jk!).
You can’t get much more out of one day than the satisfaction of surrounding yourself with the laughter of loved ones. THIS laughter is what I live for.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Belated Happy Birthday to my Tita Cecile!!
She turned...yesterday November 30th. Just realized I can't tell you how old she is cuz I might get my booty kicked!!
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