Lo Siento (I'm Sorry)

so we're all sitting in edwin's living room tonight and as usual, there is a constant ravage of hitting below the belt between everyone present. although all of us should be used to this by now, everyone still has their sensitive buttons; the very ones that can set you off on this defensive stance as soon as one word is uttered about it. i know i've got mine. some things i deny being sensitive about because i don't feel the need to create a big hoo-ha about it. i'd just try to hold myself down if it ever came up even though i know better. anyhow, so we're "joking around" and joe makes a remark and i must have responded awfully sarcastic that he thought i was truly angry (which i'm 100% sure i wasn't) and he left the room with edwin and matt.

at first i couldn't understand why joe would be so upset, but then cile tells me that i sounded like i snapped back at him and i felt really bad after. riann (who is big on channeling feelings and talking about everything) suggested i discuss it with joe so that he doesn't continue to think that i was angry at his comment. but since i wasn't mad, i didn't feel the need to talk about it. so i've been thinking about this eversince joe left the room, until now that it's 3:26 am and again i am faced with another problem area in my life: communication.

i think i'm horrible at it. i am the queen of suppression! you can call me passive,a push-over, etc. but that's how i work. i don't like making people angry, and if they already are, i don't wanna feed the fire so i don't talk about it. sometimes if i feel someone has wronged ME, i create a whole dialogue in my head of what i'm gonna tell this person but that's as far as the conversation goes because, I DON'T WANNA MAKE THEM FEEL BAD! or maybe, i just don't trust a whole lot of people so i'd rather hold in my feelings. i know that i have a big issue with trust. as i'm sure all of you have experienced, once you lose confidence in someone, it's hard to believe in them, and anyone else in your life, ever again. i'm reminded time and again that if you want to keep something a secret, you should really just keep it to yourself. once you tell someone, it's not a secret anymore and you are liable for this secret's distribution.

but i digress...my whole reason for this entry was to recognize that i have a communication issue to work out with myself. i am so good at telling people to talk to whomever they are having problems with when in actuality, i can hardly do that myself. second of all, i do wanna apologize to Joe for sounding mean. it wasn't your comment that got me to say what i said. you know i'll take whatever you boys have for me. there are real issues deeply-rooted inside that i have to deal with and i'll gladly explain it to you as soon as we get the chance. call it the beginning stages of OPERATION ANNA COMMUNICATES.