NO OTHER ROAD.
NO OTHER WAY.
NO DAY BUT TODAY.

I spent the day thinking of everything I was thankful for. Actually, I spent the day thinking of what I'm SUPPOSED to be thankful for. I folded my hands in church this morning and thanked God for everything I always give thanks for: my family, my friends, my home - my very fortunate life in general. But in between my perfunctory bouts of gratitude on Thanksgiving day, it all suddenly felt like a vain attempt to force the essence of this holiday into my system. It was a long day occupied by grocery runs, playtime with Kelsoe, chocolate covered marshamallows (which Tin cleverly called "chollows"), delicious meals and visiting with family. Fatigue chanted perfunctorily: "You HAVE to be thankful. You SHOULD be thankful. YOU are blessed." Don't get me wrong. I was grateful for the enjoyable start to my 4-day weekend. But at 9:45 pm, I was well-worn of energy and gratitude.

At 1:30 am, about an hour ago, my thankfulness was rejuvinated. My cousins, my sister and I went to go see "RENT." I saw the live musical in London in 1999 and I listen to the soundtrack all the time. For whatever reason, I was drawn into the story, the dialogue and the lyrics moreso tonight and I cried more than the few tears I had shed before. The message of the Jonathan Larson's musical somehow hit a different part of my heart this time.

Though I sometimes tell myself that I've got control, and I tell everyone else that the road to my desires in life are laid clearly before me, I can't escape the doubt that I try to keep dormant: AM I EVER GONNA GET TO WHERE I WANT TO GO? TO WHERE I'M PREPARING MYSELF TO ARRIVE? IF I DON'T, HOW WILL I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR? WHAT VALUE WILL MY LIFE HAVE IF I DON'T ACCOMPLISH THIS? And then I heard it:


Seasons Of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned,
or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
It’s time now to sing out,
though the story never ends let's celebrate
remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love! You got to remember the love.
Remember the love! You know that love is a gift from above.
Measure in love. Share love, give love, spread love.
Seasons of love! Measure, measure your life in love.
Seasons of love.

The worth of a person's life is measured by nothing more than the amount of love he or she emanates; emanates towards family, friends, strangers, self. Not the millions of books you sell, not the mansion in Bel Air, the sports car in the garage or the most popular friends. I think that's what made me cry during the movie, remembering everyone who really and truly matter to me; thinking of everything I waste so much time worrying about when most times, the comfort I seek is that which is most obvious to me if only I'd stop to see it: Love life the way it is presented to me. Stop fighting my reality as if there is a better one which awaits on the other side of my idea of "victory." I have THIS life, THIS moment to live and to love and that's it. Let go of what I think I should be saying, should be doing, be feeling.

And then I heard the clincher:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today...
We must let go to know what's right...
I can't control my destiny
I trust my soul
My goal is just to be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...