WRITER’S BLOCK
Short-tempered, short-fused – SHORT EVERYTHING! I’M JUST SHORT-EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW! (Hey! No short jokes, I’m being serious!) I’ve been working on this short story, in total, for about 2 weeks and I can’t figure out where my characters are going, what their conflicts are and AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I’M SO FRUSTRATED!
Instead of enjoying my long weekend at the beach or the movies, I’ve been sitting in front of my computer (which keeps freezing or shutting down without notice!) for the three days and nights! Yesterday, Monday, I worked on this thing for 12 HOURS!
I’m so tired already! I feel like it’s all I’ve been reading and re-reading these last couple of weeks! It makes less and less sense to me every single time I add, delete or replace some aspect of the story. One author said that she doesn’t believe in writer’s block. She said that if you’re having a hard time going on with your story, then there’s something you have to change. But what if you don’t know what to change!!!!!!!!
But it’s okay…I’m gonna be okay…it’s not life or death I just need to CALM DOWN!
Aaaaaaaaaaand breathe, Anna.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
OH HELP!
Making up stories is hard. I don't think I was prepared for the intensity of the writing process. I've been working on this story, in total, for about 2 weeks and I can't seem to figure out where to take my protagonist.
Hoo wee...best be gettin' back to it. Say a lil' prayer for me, will ya'll?
Making up stories is hard. I don't think I was prepared for the intensity of the writing process. I've been working on this story, in total, for about 2 weeks and I can't seem to figure out where to take my protagonist.
Hoo wee...best be gettin' back to it. Say a lil' prayer for me, will ya'll?
Thursday, May 26, 2005
RANDOM ACTS
I KNEW that being the only one with a camera most of the time would pay off! Ha ha ha…In all seriousness though, I want to tell you all, again, how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Losing my camera, as you all know, was one of the most heartbreaking things that have ever happened to me (does that make me a loser? hahaha). It wasn’t until 2 weeks ago that I finally decided to give up on EVER finding it because, though I tried to keep the faith, I knew deep inside I’d probably never see it again.
So the decision to let go already and search for a new replacement began. This past Sunday afternoon was planned for “camera shopping” with Rochelle, but it turned into one of the most surprising, not to mention, most touching moments I’ve experienced to date. I was completely shocked, speechless longer than I’ve ever been, and feeling so undeserving. I felt like I was being rewarded for my carelessness, but you all saw it differently: giving me another chance to remedy the guilt and hurt from my loss. You friends of mine, who not only willingly took part with monetary aid, but with a kindness and generosity of heart some can only hope they encounter at least ONCE in their lifetime. Thanks so much to all of you who contributed to the “let’s get Anna a new camera or else we won’t have pictures of anything” fund! I really and truly appreciate it!
Here’s another one of my corny, but moment-appropriate songs dedicated to all of you who have sympathized with me this last month. You guys are the best!
I've Got The Best In You
By: Regine Velasquez or Donna Cruz (one of those Filipina chick singers)
Sometimes I ask myself if I’ve been so good
To be blessed with you
Cuz every time I feel my heart is breaking
Seems you feel it too
And when everything seems so wrong
You would be there to make me see
That life is not that bad, after all
I know sometimes that you may have been hurt too
And I wonder how
You still can give the strength that I’d be needing
When I’m down and out
I wish I could be a friend as true
You can depend on me as much as I rely on you.
You are my friend and you will always be
Until this world is through
You'll see me standing right there by your side
When times are hard for you
Even the darkest clouds can never ever make us fall apart
The rain may keep on falling
But the sun will keep on shining
Cuz I’ve got the best in you.
So now it's time for me to say "thank you"
For the love you give
For all the times I’d lose my faith in myself
And you still believe
I wish I could be a friend as true
You can depend on me as much as I rely on you
You are my friend and you will always be
Until this world is through
You'll see me standing right there by your side
When times are hard for you
Even the darkest clouds can never ever make us fall apart
The rain may keep on falling
But the sun will keep on shining
Cuz I’ve got the best in you.
I know I’ve found the best in you.
I KNEW that being the only one with a camera most of the time would pay off! Ha ha ha…In all seriousness though, I want to tell you all, again, how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Losing my camera, as you all know, was one of the most heartbreaking things that have ever happened to me (does that make me a loser? hahaha). It wasn’t until 2 weeks ago that I finally decided to give up on EVER finding it because, though I tried to keep the faith, I knew deep inside I’d probably never see it again.
So the decision to let go already and search for a new replacement began. This past Sunday afternoon was planned for “camera shopping” with Rochelle, but it turned into one of the most surprising, not to mention, most touching moments I’ve experienced to date. I was completely shocked, speechless longer than I’ve ever been, and feeling so undeserving. I felt like I was being rewarded for my carelessness, but you all saw it differently: giving me another chance to remedy the guilt and hurt from my loss. You friends of mine, who not only willingly took part with monetary aid, but with a kindness and generosity of heart some can only hope they encounter at least ONCE in their lifetime. Thanks so much to all of you who contributed to the “let’s get Anna a new camera or else we won’t have pictures of anything” fund! I really and truly appreciate it!
Here’s another one of my corny, but moment-appropriate songs dedicated to all of you who have sympathized with me this last month. You guys are the best!
I've Got The Best In You
By: Regine Velasquez or Donna Cruz (one of those Filipina chick singers)
Sometimes I ask myself if I’ve been so good
To be blessed with you
Cuz every time I feel my heart is breaking
Seems you feel it too
And when everything seems so wrong
You would be there to make me see
That life is not that bad, after all
I know sometimes that you may have been hurt too
And I wonder how
You still can give the strength that I’d be needing
When I’m down and out
I wish I could be a friend as true
You can depend on me as much as I rely on you.
You are my friend and you will always be
Until this world is through
You'll see me standing right there by your side
When times are hard for you
Even the darkest clouds can never ever make us fall apart
The rain may keep on falling
But the sun will keep on shining
Cuz I’ve got the best in you.
So now it's time for me to say "thank you"
For the love you give
For all the times I’d lose my faith in myself
And you still believe
I wish I could be a friend as true
You can depend on me as much as I rely on you
You are my friend and you will always be
Until this world is through
You'll see me standing right there by your side
When times are hard for you
Even the darkest clouds can never ever make us fall apart
The rain may keep on falling
But the sun will keep on shining
Cuz I’ve got the best in you.
I know I’ve found the best in you.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
MISS INDEPENDENT
(No this isn't about Kelly Clarkson, smarty pants!)
There is an age-old piece of advice that has proven its legitimacy to me time and again. I've heard it phrased a number of ways, in a number of moments in my life, but I haven't heeded its call until recently: DON'T LOOK TO OTHERS TO FIND HAPPINESS. LIVE FOR YOURSELF. At first thought it seemed an absurd idea, and I asked myself why anyone would base his/her happiness on other people and why anyone would live a life other than theirs. Is making oneself happy THAT difficult of a task? But after another inundating session with my thoughts, I realized that I was a living, breathing oxymoron of a person. It’s true that I can find no greater satisfaction than that which I feel upon aiding a loved one find joy, no matter how little my contribution. But oh how I depended on that feeling like a drug! I NEEDED others to need ME because it made ME feel good inside. IT GAVE ME PURPOSE.
There is a big part of me that knows how much I depend on others' joy and pride in order to feel my own. To look to other people's approval 90% of the time or requiring others to need me in their quest for a simple moment of joy, and assuring myself that this was the source of my happiness has made me a mere spectator on the outside looking in. It was someone else's happiness I was feeling a lot of the time, not my own.
In the last couple of years I've observed the people who surround me. I'm in chronic awe of their drive and determination (especially evidenced with all the graduations occurring this year), but most of all I revel in their passion; this passion that turns rejection into redemption, sacrifice into success, adversity into accomplishment. I felt like I’d lost all that somewhere and I wanted it back so badly for myself but had been so afraid…terrified actually, of failing horribly and having no one to blame but myself.
But about 3 weeks ago I did something I haven’t done before. I spent a Friday evening at Barnes & Noble (aaaah the life of the single gal – free as a bird!). First I sat in the coffee area sipping on my iced café latte with soy, scribbling furiously in my journal, paying mind to nothing but the thoughts in my head and the pen in my hand. And then having had to work on a Shakespearean sonnet for class, I was caught in a trance, attempting to compose a 14-line piece of poetry in iambic pentameter whilst concocting a clever rhyme scheme. By the time I look at my watch, I realize I’d been sitting there for almost 2 hours. Experiencing a slight case of writer’s block, I decide to take on the poetry section to call on the masters for help. I soon found myself sitting there in the middle of the aisle, hunched over a myriad of inspiration: The Complete Works of Emily Dickinson, Poetry by Robert Frost, and before I knew it, it was 10:45 pm. That was, by far, the most peaceful and most selfish 4 hours I’ve ever had. I think I’ve re-created a monster.
(No this isn't about Kelly Clarkson, smarty pants!)
There is an age-old piece of advice that has proven its legitimacy to me time and again. I've heard it phrased a number of ways, in a number of moments in my life, but I haven't heeded its call until recently: DON'T LOOK TO OTHERS TO FIND HAPPINESS. LIVE FOR YOURSELF. At first thought it seemed an absurd idea, and I asked myself why anyone would base his/her happiness on other people and why anyone would live a life other than theirs. Is making oneself happy THAT difficult of a task? But after another inundating session with my thoughts, I realized that I was a living, breathing oxymoron of a person. It’s true that I can find no greater satisfaction than that which I feel upon aiding a loved one find joy, no matter how little my contribution. But oh how I depended on that feeling like a drug! I NEEDED others to need ME because it made ME feel good inside. IT GAVE ME PURPOSE.
There is a big part of me that knows how much I depend on others' joy and pride in order to feel my own. To look to other people's approval 90% of the time or requiring others to need me in their quest for a simple moment of joy, and assuring myself that this was the source of my happiness has made me a mere spectator on the outside looking in. It was someone else's happiness I was feeling a lot of the time, not my own.
In the last couple of years I've observed the people who surround me. I'm in chronic awe of their drive and determination (especially evidenced with all the graduations occurring this year), but most of all I revel in their passion; this passion that turns rejection into redemption, sacrifice into success, adversity into accomplishment. I felt like I’d lost all that somewhere and I wanted it back so badly for myself but had been so afraid…terrified actually, of failing horribly and having no one to blame but myself.
But about 3 weeks ago I did something I haven’t done before. I spent a Friday evening at Barnes & Noble (aaaah the life of the single gal – free as a bird!). First I sat in the coffee area sipping on my iced café latte with soy, scribbling furiously in my journal, paying mind to nothing but the thoughts in my head and the pen in my hand. And then having had to work on a Shakespearean sonnet for class, I was caught in a trance, attempting to compose a 14-line piece of poetry in iambic pentameter whilst concocting a clever rhyme scheme. By the time I look at my watch, I realize I’d been sitting there for almost 2 hours. Experiencing a slight case of writer’s block, I decide to take on the poetry section to call on the masters for help. I soon found myself sitting there in the middle of the aisle, hunched over a myriad of inspiration: The Complete Works of Emily Dickinson, Poetry by Robert Frost, and before I knew it, it was 10:45 pm. That was, by far, the most peaceful and most selfish 4 hours I’ve ever had. I think I’ve re-created a monster.
GROWING PAINS
(Thanks for the inspirational title, Riann!)
A wise friend once told me that the pillars which maintain the structure of a very loving relationship are: love, trust and honesty/communication. So reliant are relationships on these that should one go amiss, or begin to break down, the infrastructure of the union is doomed to one day collapse.
It seems like an easy enough task, doesn’t it? To be honest with one another? Trust each other? Talk as often as possible? Yes it IS easy, that is when things are going well and the potential for hurt feelings is low. But when hurt feelings DO come to pass and things aren’t going well, the very last thing we erroneous human beings want to do is be honest and talk about it. Leave it alone, we say, and that disturbing feeling may just go away – or so we hope. But how many times have we encountered a “problem” in our lives that we’re so surprised by, so unprepared for, that we push it aside and hope it’ll disappear because we don’t know how to handle it? It’s happened to me a lot.
Jesus once said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and what is hidden will become clear to you." When we grow accustomed to living life a certain way, having things done the way we’re used to and experiencing the comfort and dependency on relationships for long periods of time, we often become very protective of such treasure; thinking, possibly hoping, that life will be this way, this good ALWAYS. But it hardly ever happens that way, does it? “There is no growth without change” a famous saying goes. It’s too bad we have to keep reminding ourselves of it, but when we remember, we’re no less than grateful that we did.
(Thanks for the inspirational title, Riann!)
A wise friend once told me that the pillars which maintain the structure of a very loving relationship are: love, trust and honesty/communication. So reliant are relationships on these that should one go amiss, or begin to break down, the infrastructure of the union is doomed to one day collapse.
It seems like an easy enough task, doesn’t it? To be honest with one another? Trust each other? Talk as often as possible? Yes it IS easy, that is when things are going well and the potential for hurt feelings is low. But when hurt feelings DO come to pass and things aren’t going well, the very last thing we erroneous human beings want to do is be honest and talk about it. Leave it alone, we say, and that disturbing feeling may just go away – or so we hope. But how many times have we encountered a “problem” in our lives that we’re so surprised by, so unprepared for, that we push it aside and hope it’ll disappear because we don’t know how to handle it? It’s happened to me a lot.
Jesus once said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and what is hidden will become clear to you." When we grow accustomed to living life a certain way, having things done the way we’re used to and experiencing the comfort and dependency on relationships for long periods of time, we often become very protective of such treasure; thinking, possibly hoping, that life will be this way, this good ALWAYS. But it hardly ever happens that way, does it? “There is no growth without change” a famous saying goes. It’s too bad we have to keep reminding ourselves of it, but when we remember, we’re no less than grateful that we did.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
WHERE YOU AT!
I know I haven’t blogged in a week. No I haven’t been lazy. I’ve just been conserving my thoughts for my journal, which conserves my thoughts for school “projects.” I had the first draft of a fiction piece due yesterday and all week I’d been trying to figure out what the heck I could write about. I’ve been journaling almost everyday but nothing, NOTHING coming to mind was worth writing about. Just when I was ready to make up a story about the next thing I saw (like a paper clip), my muses began speaking to me.
So that’s where I’ve been lately – in my head, trying to organize some ideas. I have so much to blog about though. I’ve got about 4 blog entries waiting completion and posting! Hope you’re all doing well!
I know I haven’t blogged in a week. No I haven’t been lazy. I’ve just been conserving my thoughts for my journal, which conserves my thoughts for school “projects.” I had the first draft of a fiction piece due yesterday and all week I’d been trying to figure out what the heck I could write about. I’ve been journaling almost everyday but nothing, NOTHING coming to mind was worth writing about. Just when I was ready to make up a story about the next thing I saw (like a paper clip), my muses began speaking to me.
So that’s where I’ve been lately – in my head, trying to organize some ideas. I have so much to blog about though. I’ve got about 4 blog entries waiting completion and posting! Hope you’re all doing well!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
SURRENDER
Ok, I'm done, I officially give up. I called the Westin in Pasadena for the last time today in search of my beloved camera, and, as expected, no one has turned it in. It didn't fall into anyone's bag by accident, and it's not in anyone's car or suitcase. It's gone for sure. I hope the person who took it is a good person who doesn't do this often. I also hope they realize what they've taken away from the person who used to call it hers.
Ok, I'm done, I officially give up. I called the Westin in Pasadena for the last time today in search of my beloved camera, and, as expected, no one has turned it in. It didn't fall into anyone's bag by accident, and it's not in anyone's car or suitcase. It's gone for sure. I hope the person who took it is a good person who doesn't do this often. I also hope they realize what they've taken away from the person who used to call it hers.
Monday, May 02, 2005
FALLIN’ FOR FALLON
(I know, how cornball, but I couldn’t help playing with the sound of the words…oh man, all this study of poetry is really starting to affect me!)
Christine, Tin and I saw “Fever Pitch” this past Saturday and…I loved it! (IYA YOU FELL ASLEEP?! Hahaha…) Talk about torn between two lovers! It doesn’t even have to be two women or two men a person can be torn between. In the movie, Ben Wrightman is caught between his love for a woman (Drew Barrymore) and his love for the Boston Red Sox! Jimmy Fallon’s character, with his quirks and obsession with a major league baseball team, was a character so cool and so genuine that you can’t help but want to understand why he handles the situation the way that he does. I don’t think you can help falling for him.
Have you ever fallen for a character in a movie? I mean, as far as “falling in love” can take you in a movie? Jimmy Fallon in this film is one of many characters I’ve gone head-over-heels for. Topher Grace in “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton” is another one. The movie wasn’t the greatest film ever made, but his portrayal of a character, so heartfelt in his love and affection for a childhood friend, made it worthwhile. Josh Hartnett in “40 Days & 40 Nights” too, who sought more than physical happiness in his relationships with women, is another boy I was like, “wow” with. I know these are just actors playing a part, but it’s the perfection of their placement in these parts that makes you love them when the credits start to roll up the movie screen.
Anyhow, go see “Fever Pitch.” If I learned ANYTHING from it, it’s that loving someone doesn’t so much require sacrifice as much as it calls for compromise.
(I know, how cornball, but I couldn’t help playing with the sound of the words…oh man, all this study of poetry is really starting to affect me!)
Christine, Tin and I saw “Fever Pitch” this past Saturday and…I loved it! (IYA YOU FELL ASLEEP?! Hahaha…) Talk about torn between two lovers! It doesn’t even have to be two women or two men a person can be torn between. In the movie, Ben Wrightman is caught between his love for a woman (Drew Barrymore) and his love for the Boston Red Sox! Jimmy Fallon’s character, with his quirks and obsession with a major league baseball team, was a character so cool and so genuine that you can’t help but want to understand why he handles the situation the way that he does. I don’t think you can help falling for him.
Have you ever fallen for a character in a movie? I mean, as far as “falling in love” can take you in a movie? Jimmy Fallon in this film is one of many characters I’ve gone head-over-heels for. Topher Grace in “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton” is another one. The movie wasn’t the greatest film ever made, but his portrayal of a character, so heartfelt in his love and affection for a childhood friend, made it worthwhile. Josh Hartnett in “40 Days & 40 Nights” too, who sought more than physical happiness in his relationships with women, is another boy I was like, “wow” with. I know these are just actors playing a part, but it’s the perfection of their placement in these parts that makes you love them when the credits start to roll up the movie screen.
Anyhow, go see “Fever Pitch.” If I learned ANYTHING from it, it’s that loving someone doesn’t so much require sacrifice as much as it calls for compromise.
THE QUARTER-AFTER-LIFE
On Saturday afternoon I got a glimpse of a probable future; not just MY future, but possibly everyone’s future too. Matt, Chris, Tin-Tin and I spent the day at Bonelli Park in San Dimas with Iya and her family to celebrate Matthew’s (Iya’s nephew) first birthday. The theme of the day was Shrek, and Kuya Francis and Ate Jenny (Iya’s bro and sis-in-law) spared nothing on relaying the importance of the green ogre to their guests: fluorescent green table cloths, balloons and cups, a Shrek piñata with matching balloon, give-away bags and plates, Shrek ears and a HUGE Shrek cake. Not-so-little-anymore Matthew just learned how to walk so he was all over the place on Saturday afternoon.
What got to me that day, however, wasn’t just the joy of celebrating a first birthday. It was all of Kuya Francis and Ate Jenny’s friends with THEIR kids. A lot of their friends’ children are around the same and it was just so nice, to see all these 30-something group of friends who probably used to party and hang out together, now married, have kids and still party (albeit kids’ parties) and hang out together. It made me wonder what kind of things they’d been through when they were younger, before the marriage and before the babies. I thought of all of us, who right now are having the time of our lives going to the movies, hanging out at each others’ houses, partying, going on trips, all the while working hard to settle into (or try to find) our places in this world. And then I looked forward to 5-10 years from now (maybe less), where weddings will occur every other week and then there’ll be baptisms to attend in the time thereafter wedding season, followed by first birthdays, graduations, etc. I can’t wait!
On Saturday afternoon I got a glimpse of a probable future; not just MY future, but possibly everyone’s future too. Matt, Chris, Tin-Tin and I spent the day at Bonelli Park in San Dimas with Iya and her family to celebrate Matthew’s (Iya’s nephew) first birthday. The theme of the day was Shrek, and Kuya Francis and Ate Jenny (Iya’s bro and sis-in-law) spared nothing on relaying the importance of the green ogre to their guests: fluorescent green table cloths, balloons and cups, a Shrek piñata with matching balloon, give-away bags and plates, Shrek ears and a HUGE Shrek cake. Not-so-little-anymore Matthew just learned how to walk so he was all over the place on Saturday afternoon.
What got to me that day, however, wasn’t just the joy of celebrating a first birthday. It was all of Kuya Francis and Ate Jenny’s friends with THEIR kids. A lot of their friends’ children are around the same and it was just so nice, to see all these 30-something group of friends who probably used to party and hang out together, now married, have kids and still party (albeit kids’ parties) and hang out together. It made me wonder what kind of things they’d been through when they were younger, before the marriage and before the babies. I thought of all of us, who right now are having the time of our lives going to the movies, hanging out at each others’ houses, partying, going on trips, all the while working hard to settle into (or try to find) our places in this world. And then I looked forward to 5-10 years from now (maybe less), where weddings will occur every other week and then there’ll be baptisms to attend in the time thereafter wedding season, followed by first birthdays, graduations, etc. I can’t wait!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
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