(I found this post sitting as a draft on my dashboard Weird. I never published it. I guess I got distracted before I hit the "Publish Post" button. I didn't wanna waste it so I'm posting it now, delayed thoughts as they are.)

poignant [poin-yuhnt]
affecting or moving the emotions
Synonyms include: emotional, touching, sentimental

I never considered myself much of a crier. I mean, I'm not a robot, my heart's not made of stone, but I never pegged myself as someone who could shed tears on cue. Occasionally, however, something tugs at my heartstrings and next thing I know, I'm crying because another downtrodden family has gotten a new house from Extreme Makeover, or Apolo Anthon Ono is looking up at his dad who is waving his arms in the air with pride, or Staples Center is raining down confetti for the champs, or Jake let Tenley go on the Bachelor.

I know, it's been so long since I've blogged and I'm choosing to write about The Bachelor. Well, I actually do enjoy watching these things. I realize the rate of longevity of the couples in these reality tv shows are questionable when the show is done airing, but most times, a part of me really hopes it works out....sometimes. I guess it depends on whether, in my personal opinion, I think the Bachelor or Bachelorette made the right decision...in my eyes. It's funny what third, non-involved viewers can see that the participants don't get to until the show's been edited and aired.

Anyhow, I was welling up when Jake let Tenley go. I felt bad that she really believed this last rose ceremony would end in her happiness. I welled up, watching how understanding and strong she was, and I was angry that despite her basically getting dumped, she was the one comforting the guy who had hurt her. I cried because I knew how she felt.

I know how it feels to believe in something or someone and then, most times without warning, feel betrayed by, not the person or situation, but by your own stupidity, delusions or plain oversensitivity. You spend as long as you feel is necessary to be angry, sad and bitter, and if you're lucky, you're surrounded by nurturing people who do nothing but support you, no matter how difficult you and your murky aura are to be around. Eventually, however, you need to clear your air and no one else is capable of doing that but, well, you...or in this case, me.

Tenley did something after Jake dumped her in that final episode. She cried but she also looked...kinda hopeful. Like she decided, then and there, drowning in her sorrow, that she wasn't going to let him or this situation ruin...her. Anyhow, that made me cry because she seemed like a nice gal who was only hoping for something to go her way and I thought she got (I don't know how else to express this but), screwed. Not by Jake, not by the show, but just by fate. It wasn't her destiny to be with this fool forever but it didn't make it any easier to deal with...but she dealt with it and now she's on that new show, Bachelor Pad. I'd say she's doing okay...

vicious cycle [vish-uhs sahy-kuhl]
A situation in which the apparent solution of one problem in a chain of circumstances creates a new problem and increases the difficulty of solving the original problem
Synonyms include: domino effect, eternal return

I've spent the last month reading about, listening and watching these free agents in the NBA haggle with teams about their worth; $5.6 million here, $30 million over six years there. I watched "Eclipse" twice and wondered how much of my ticket would be funding more acting classes for Kristen Stewart (I'll watch it a few more times if she needs to attend more courses) or a lifetime gym membership for Taylor Lautner. Carrie Underwood married a hockey player this past weekend and I imagined how beautiful her Monique Lhullier dress must have been, and almost choked at the thought of how much it must have cost her.

I've been thinking of all this stuff lately, because although I'm thankful for having the infinite amount of blessings that I probably don't deserve, I realize that sometimes...IT'S OK TO COMPLAIN when certain sources of comfort appear to be running dry.

It's funny...well, not funny, just strange, how you can feel like you're doing your part to save what you earn, only to look back and see that it's not enough. Online payments and transfers from my checking account to all the various vendors in my life are enough to make me cry, seriously.

Saving up for something as simple as a laptop, became a crappy moment when I had to use the money to pay for something else. WHAT A CROCK, I said to myself. When does it end? Long hours at the office, sometimes through no choice of our own, feel like they're spent in vain because in the end, when that direct deposit hits my bank every other Friday, I have to punch in some keys and send that hard-earned salary to the Department of Education, Unocal or Wells effin'- Fargo Visa.

I sound and feel like such a brat, complaining about money when I have a job, a car that takes me there, and a house to come home to. And it isn't really fair, I suppose, to compare my so-called-lowly life to the likes of athletes, actors and singers whose daily existence is marred by the hard truth that peace and quiet are no longer basic human rights, but luxuries with which no amount of their millions of dollars could buy.

But sometimes, even for just a little bit, when the finances don't feel as secure as we'd like them to, I'd like to exercise my right to complain about it. I'd like to bitch and moan about Heidi and Spencer being famous because they're public morons. What is wrong with you people?! Find a real job!

I'd like to whine about the fact that Dwayne Wade, Lebron James and Chris Bosh keep talking about "sacrificing" millions by playing on the same team. Really, fellas, I feel for you, because how could you ever live making only $14 million instead of the $20 million you might've gotten from another team?

Alrighty...that was my rant for today. Off to bed for tomorrow, another cycle begins...