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pessimism [pes-uh-miz-uh m]
the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc; the doctrine that the existing world is the worst of all possible worlds, or that all things naturally tend to evil; the belief that the evil and pain in the world are not compensated for by goodness and happiness
Synonyms include: cynicism, despondency, distrust, hopelessness

February 6, 2007 marked my 1-year anniversary at SAGE Publications (yay!). To give thanks for such a wonderful blessing, I went to mass after work. I sat there in church, grateful and content though I was, felt a certain gnawing inside. I’ve been feeling this way for a few months now, at times unable to figure out who or what could cause such a negative force to sporadically find its way into times in life when I feel any sort of happiness. Suddenly, gratitude turned to self-righteousness, and contentment became a lackluster attempt at trying to achieve what I knew I didn’t have. A blessing had turned in vain and hopelessness had arrived for its timely visit. Then Fr. Joe took the podium.

Why, he asked, does everything that appears on the nightly news have to be tragic to compete for airtime? No wonder everyone is so cynical! We don’t look for good anymore. We’re too busy waiting for the worst to happen. Where is everyone’s faith that God will get you through it?

That’s me a lot of the times. As much as I’d like to think that my philosophy is based on hoping for the best, a great part of me would rather expect the worst. I don’t like to be led on; it makes me feel foolish. I don’t like feeling foolish; that just tells me what a pawn I am in this world. I hate thinking that something happened without my knowledge; it makes me feel like I have no control over my destiny. Such worries can snowball in a nano-second with me. It really doesn’t take much. But Fr. Joe, you’re right.

Who wants to live this way? Worried all the time that every choice they make will result in mistakes of gargantuan proportion? I worry too much about things that haven’t even happened yet, when I should be thankful for the potential GOOD that such moments in life have yet to bring. It’s like the monster that every aspiring, as well as professional, writer faces: the intimidating blank page. What if I can’t fill it with anything but crap? What if there aren’t enough pages to write on? What if no one cares to read what I’ve written?

But then, one last glance at the empty parchment suddenly flashes image upon image of promise. Soon you realize the power that the blank page offers: every and anything you want. You just have to let the pen hit the paper and then you write your heart out. On these pages you are the villain who attacks, you are the damsel who distresses, you are the heroine who saves, you are the omniscient narrator who guides the story through. Trust your characters to play their parts, let them be free to make mistakes and be hurt. Let your story be told. And, a wise friend once told me, “You have to be able to close one chapter before you can start writing a new one so that you don’t keep rewriting the same chapter over and over again.” Sometimes it's good to go back and forth to edit, but sometimes it's okay not to know how the story ends just yet...

Unwritten

By: Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten,

Can't read my mind

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning

The pen's in my hand

Ending unplanned